B. L. W.

B: Because I am who I am, there is a lot of things I can, and cannot say. Being me isn’t something I’ve ever been proud of. Beautiful isn’t a word my brain will comprehend. Bewildered by the thought of being alone, doesn’t feel abnormal anymore. Becoming what I thought I needed to be, isn’t something that’s going to happen. Blooming into a lady turned into wilting away my sanity. Blisters forming onto my eyes as I slowly stop looking ahead. Butchering my feelings to keep myself safe for the moment. Building walls, to make sure you all stay away. Breaking down this wall is impossible. Blood flowing a bashful crimson, staining my memories of a happier time. Blowing away my regrets like a dandelion. Boiling inside, I’m boiling. Body is slowly starting to shut down, one twitch at a time. Bliss, it’s a word that makes me want to die.

L: Loving other people comes to me with ease, loving myself is the hard part. Losing everything I held dear is like watching a rerun of my childhood. Lowering my head to hide the shame and the sorrow. Lovely mother and daughters, discussing secrets. Letting go, forget all of it. Laughter is muted by fear and depression. Longing for affection, finding only half hearted smiles. Likelihood of getting better mentally. Lies, I’m a bad lair. L is a name that makes me cry.

W: What have you done little girl. When did you plan on telling them. Where did you hide the scars. Why won’t you stop fucking crying. Will you get a grip, they never cared. Worry about the mess you plan on making. Won’t back out. White lies. Welcoming death, regardless.

Goodbye.

I'm sitting next to my dying grandmothers bed side. Listening to her moan in pain. Her faint breathing, and her body bare. She doesn't wish to wear any clothes, she wants to feel free. I'm talking to her, and saying last goodbyes while there is no one else around. Her Cancer has gone from her Breast, to her Liver, to her bones, and now her Brain. I don't even know if she knows I'm here. Or if she understands the words I'm saying to her. My grandmother is a wonderfully strong willed person, and to see her like this kills me. I know she's ready to die, and I'm ready for her to stop suffering. I love her so much. I just hope that I turn out to be the woman she wanted me to be. I will always remember the good times. I will always remember how hard you fought for your life. I'll always remember how much you loved me and our family. I'm going to miss you so much.