Pros & Cons

Family.? I only really have Mum left. Friends.? They would get over it at some point. Matthew.? Less stress for him. Work.? They don’t need me, I can be replaced. Damon.? He has others who will care for him. Sophia.? She’s better off not knowing. God.? Forgive me. After life.? TBD.


No. More. Pain.

You make me want to fucking kill myself.

You make it seem like I’m such a fucking burden.

Then get upset when I don’t want to me close.

I fucking hate this.

I fucking hate this.

I fucking hate this.

I fucking hate this.

Thoughts.

This shouldn’t bother me so much.

But it does.

This isn’t fair.

Dear Reader. 1.

Dear Reader,

   I hope that you are doing well. Even if you aren't, that's okay. Sometimes not everyone has good days. But there will always be good days to look forward to after the bad days. I hope that you are eating, and taking care of yourself. Some days it might be hard to eat, or bathe, or sometimes even to get out of bed. I get that, but I hope that you are alright. Speaking of being in bed, sometimes taking naps makes me feel better. Just being wrapped up and relaxing can calm some people down. I do know that it's hard for some people to sleep at night. They will be tired all day, but it's like their brain won't shut off. I've been there a few times. Maybe try reading, or listening to music. Sometimes to tire myself out, I would make stories in my head. I would have dreams of the stories, maybe one day I'll share a few with you.

   Do you like to write stories? Or maybe you like art or music. Maybe you like video games, or working out. Hobbies tend to keep me away from any dark thoughts that some to my mind. Some people find.. other ways to deal with these thoughts. Like drinking, or drugs. I want you to know that sometimes, the things that we think will help, will only hurt us more. I don't want you to be hurt, any more than you may already be feeling. No one should have to deal with these dark thoughts. If you do suffer from these thoughts, I'd like for you to take one thing from this. You're not alone. There are millions of people who feel the way you do. We may not all understand why your feeling it. You may not even know why. But it doesn't change the fact that others feel that same feeling. I never want anyone to have to feel this feeling.

   Everyone has their own story. Sadly bad things will happen within our lives to cause our stories to become a massive puzzle. Dealing with life is just like having to find all the pieces, and having to put them back together. Sometimes we get angry because we don't understand how to solve the puzzle. Sometimes we cry, and some.. will give up. Reader, I don't want you to give up. Keep looking for those missing pieces. One day you will feel whole, and your puzzle will be completed. There are some people who have a puzzle with more pieces than others. Sometimes when we have all the piece, your puzzle doesn't look like how it should. But not everything is going to be pictured on the puzzle box. Sometimes there are discolored pieces. But they still fit, and it works 'for the most part'. If it doesn't work for you, find another piece that will take it's place. If it will make you happy, you should keep looking. I want you to be happy, Reader.

   If you ever feel like you are alone, I want you to come back, and read this. I want you to know that no matter who you are, where you are, I love you. You are a living, breathing human being. You have the right to be happy, no matter what anyone else says. You are wonderful in your own way. Ways that make you, who you are. No one can take that away from you. We are all worth it, you are worth it. You are a beautiful, strong, intelligent, and perfect person. No matter how many bad thoughts keep coming, just remember; You are perfect. You are worth it. You are you, and that's all you need to be.

   Writer - X

4:00 A.M. Thoughts.

It really hurts when someone you care so much for openly hurts your feelings. It's also very hard to deal with the fact that this person is your own Mother. You have no idea how your words shape me. You were always a cold person, never the emotional type of parent. You left us at one point, but always made us feel like it was our fault. Because we wouldn't except you doing something that would hurt you in the end. You get upset because we won't ever see him as our father. It seems that you will always just have a bad taste in men. But the things you say that hurt me the most.. you act as if it doesn't mater. Like your talking to a friend, not your daughter. It doesn't matter how old I get, I'm still your daughter. No matter how many times you push me away, I'm still your daughter. No matter how many times I cry.. I will always be your daughter.

I thought I looked very beautiful. Rarely do I ever send you photos of myself. But due to the fact that I only get to see you ever blue moon (fucking never), I wanted you to see me. Because I miss you, I wanted to make sure.. you remember my face. To remember you have me. You would always tell me how beautiful I was, you would always make me feel better growing up. People would pick on me for my looks, but you would always say I was beautiful. The moment you responded to my photo, saying that I was ugly, hurt. It hurt me, so, fucking, much. I'm not the little girl you had, and I;m pretty sure I'm not the daughter you want anymore. You only seem to care about your other daughter, and she's not even here.

I feel so gross.

I feel like some kind of freak.

"You look like you're fucking dead, take that shit off". - I will not.

I will not change who I am, I will not change how I dress, speak, or present myself. You raised me to be my own person. Now that you don't like that person I've become, that seems to have changed. I'll never be able to say any of this to you. Because whenever I tell you how I feel, you say that I hurt you. I told you something that was hurting me so bad, to the point where I thought about hurting myself. So what did you say.? "You should have kept your fucking mouth shut". So I will. Forever. I will never tell you when there is a problem. I wouldn't want to inconvenience you in any way. I am a good daughter. I am a good person. I will keep living my life how I feel I should. Just.. try not to hate me.

Please.

- Your Loving Daughter

Dream.

Last night I had a dream of a girl with dark skin, and neon blue hair. She had freckles across her nose and cheeks. Her eyes were yellow, like the burning sun. She was bound, gagged, and beaten.  As she lost consciousness, everything faded to black. A white light beamed within the darkness. Something was drawing me closer, the light held the answers to my growing questions. Who was this girl.? Why would someone hurt her.? Why couldn’t I help.?

The darkness cleared and my stomach turned. There I see her, staring at me. Her eyes empty. What happened to her, why wouldn’t she speak.? Her gag was removed, but she just laid there, staring into my soul. Then came another white light. If only I spoken to her before. Tried to help. Why couldn’t I help.? I close my eyes and silently cry, fearing the monster would return. I try to wash the image away. Her decapitated head laying in front of me. She was so beautiful, why did this happen.

Last night I had a dream of a girl with dark skin, and neon blue hair. She had freckles across her nose and cheeks. Her eyes were yellow, like the burning sun. She was alive, laughing, and happy. I watched her hug her mother, saying everything was okay. She had found a job, so they could pay their rent. She told her mother it was a job feeding the elderly. Her mother was so proud, beaming that her daughter was growing into an independent young woman. She waved goodbye to her mother - not knowing she would never see her again.

The girl arrives early to start her job. She followed the Butler of the elder gentleman to the kitchen. I remember this place. I know this place. Before the girl can start helping with the food, she is hit over the head. She falls unconscious, slamming against the cold stone floor. After coming to her senses, she tried to fight off the Butler as much as she could. He had chained her wrist together, gaged her, and beat her until she couldn’t move any more. He dismembered her, leaving only her head. Her yellow eyes now dark, the sun was  dead. Everything faded to black. 

There at the dinner table was a small group of fifteen elderly men. Eating away at her flesh. Comments were made about how sweeter she was then the last. They made her a joke, as if her life didn’t matter. The Butler made his way back to the kitchen, to clean up his mess. Kicking the girls head in the corner of the room. Rolling until it hit another. Flashing rotting away. Blonde hair falling from the skull, eyes falling from the sockets. I know her, she’s just like me. 

I told her there was nothing to be scared of, they couldn’t hurt us any more. I held her as she sobbed. She was never going to go home, or see her mother. I kissed her head. Her beautiful blue hair. I told her we were be there for each other. That everything would be fine. She looked at me, looking at my very soul. Her eyes were a pale yellow. Like sun beams coming from the clouds. She told me that my eyes remind her of ice. We both laughed, and waited for the day the monsters were defeated. Just the two of us - but wait. Who that girl.?

We both had a dream of a girl with sun kissed skin, and chocolate brown hair. She had a slight stutter, but sounded like an angel. Her eyes were as green as summer grass. She was worried, yet determined. She spoke softly, “I saw y-your flyer, is the m-maid job still available”.?

Who was this girl.?

Bad Thoughts.

I've been having a lot of really bad thoughts running around my head for the last few weeks. Everything had been coming to a head and I'm trying my best to not have a break down like last time. I keep thinking about killing myself. Note: I don't want to die, however the thought keeps popping up in my head. I'm sick of having to deal with all of the bull shit in my life. My Mother not doing what she needs to do to get better. She may end up dying next because of it. I miss Nana, she would always know how to get me out of these funks. I miss Arianna and how much fun we would have. I miss being able to smile. I miss being happy all the time. I wish all of this would just go back to normal. I feel like I'm losing everything in my life. I feel like I'm falling and I'm ready to hit the fucking ground.