It really hurts when someone you care so much for openly hurts your feelings. It's also very hard to deal with the fact that this person is your own Mother. You have no idea how your words shape me. You were always a cold person, never the emotional type of parent. You left us at one point, but always made us feel like it was our fault. Because we wouldn't except you doing something that would hurt you in the end. You get upset because we won't ever see him as our father. It seems that you will always just have a bad taste in men. But the things you say that hurt me the most.. you act as if it doesn't mater. Like your talking to a friend, not your daughter. It doesn't matter how old I get, I'm still your daughter. No matter how many times you push me away, I'm still your daughter. No matter how many times I cry.. I will always be your daughter.
I thought I looked very beautiful. Rarely do I ever send you photos of myself. But due to the fact that I only get to see you ever blue moon (fucking never), I wanted you to see me. Because I miss you, I wanted to make sure.. you remember my face. To remember you have me. You would always tell me how beautiful I was, you would always make me feel better growing up. People would pick on me for my looks, but you would always say I was beautiful. The moment you responded to my photo, saying that I was ugly, hurt. It hurt me, so, fucking, much. I'm not the little girl you had, and I;m pretty sure I'm not the daughter you want anymore. You only seem to care about your other daughter, and she's not even here.
I feel so gross.
I feel like some kind of freak.
"You look like you're fucking dead, take that shit off". - I will not.
I will not change who I am, I will not change how I dress, speak, or present myself. You raised me to be my own person. Now that you don't like that person I've become, that seems to have changed. I'll never be able to say any of this to you. Because whenever I tell you how I feel, you say that I hurt you. I told you something that was hurting me so bad, to the point where I thought about hurting myself. So what did you say.? "You should have kept your fucking mouth shut". So I will. Forever. I will never tell you when there is a problem. I wouldn't want to inconvenience you in any way. I am a good daughter. I am a good person. I will keep living my life how I feel I should. Just.. try not to hate me.
Please.
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