Work.

I think that today was the first day of work that I really felt like a supervisor.

I don't know why.

I just had so much stuff to do.

It felt right.

Not saying I was being bossy.

More like.

Being able to help people.

You know?

I didn't freak out one time.

I 'owned' it.

I just hope this feeling doesn't go away.

Smiles.

I don't know why, but this guy just puts a smile on my face.

Normally I would find a person staring at me creepy, but he was so sweet.

No perverted passes or comments.

Just conversation.

He didn't stay up to late though.

But it's because he had work in the morning.

I like that.

He knew he had shit to do, and he did it.

Poor thing had to work at six this morning.

I can't wait to hear from him.

That's if he text's me.

If not that's fine.

I have some other stuff to do..

Now.

Let's start unpacking.

Night Light.

There once was a little girl who was scared of the dark. She would hide under she sheets at night, so that the witches in her closet couldn't get to her. She would hate it when her mummy would come in and shut off her small t.v. and tell her it was time for bed. She wouldn't even want to watch any of her late night cartoons, she just wanted the light to stay on. There was always some kind of back up however. Some toys she would beg for because they would glow in the dark. As long as she had some kind of light, she was happy. Then one day, her mummy and daddy got her a small red night light so she wouldn't be so scared of the dark anymore. She had no idea how her parents knew about the witches, but she was overjoyed with her new night light.

She was such a silly little thing. Every morning she would awaken to a room full of sunshine, and she couldn't of been happier. There was one morning though, were the silly little girl forgot to shut off her night light. After a fun fulled day of playing outside in the sun, it came time for bed time once more. As she got ready for bed, and asked her mummy to turn on her night light before she got into bed. As it came to her mummies surprise, the night light had stopped working. She sat down next to the little girl and told her that she wouldn't be able to use the night light, and the little girl cried. She begged to sleep in her mummies room, but to no avail. So there the little girl was, curled in her sheets, crying, and scared half to death.

She would here some things coming from her closet. She would hear the witches say things to her. They would call her ugly, stupid, four-eyes, and much more hurtful things. She didn't understand why they would just say these things to her. the little girl got so upset that she sat up in bed and began to yell at the witches. "Stop calling me names and come out already". Said the little girl with a roar. "You won't scare me anymore". As the words came flying out of the little girls mouth like fire, she heard a small giggle. "I like this one". At this point, the little girl was mad. Was this witch mocking her for standing up for herself? With a heart full of pride, the little girl ran over to her closet and opened it up. "If you have something to say, then say it". She knew there was no going back at this point. "Or maybe your just scared to show me your face, you ugly old witch"!

Within seconds of the little girl opening her eyes, she saw something that she'd never forget. A pair of big yellow eyes looking down at her with a smile. "Hush now my child, for its not the dark that you must fear". The little girl was so scared and confused. What did this witch mean by that? What could be worse then not being able to see anything? She fell to the floor and curled up, knowing that the witch would kill her at any second from what she said to her. She shut her eyes tightly and began to sob. At this moment she felt warm arms wrap around her. "It's the light that you should fear, for the light can truly show you how scary some monsters can be". 

As sun light came pouring into the room, the little girl awoke in her bed. 'Was it all a dream'? She thought to herself, trying to remember what had happened only a few hours before. The silly little girl got ready for her fun fulled day and went outside to play. As she looked around, she saw her mummy and daddy outside fussing. She slowly walked over and hid behind a tree. "You dumb bitch, I'd kill you". A loud smack had made its way across her mummies face. The little girl jumped back in horror. Why would he do that to her mummy? Daddy was always so sweet.. wasn't he?

The little girl ran back to her room and locked herself in her closet. She sat there, in the dark, and cried. She understood it now, what the witch was trying to tell her. If it wasn't for the light, she wouldn't of ever known what kind of monster her daddy was. She didn't like this one bit. She was scared, and didn't know who to talk to about this. The little girl didn't want her mummy to know that she had seen what happened. What if he would beat her for knowing? All she could do was sit there in the dark. Though, she wasn't scared of it anymore. She felt safe, she couldn't see in the dark. If it was dark, she couldn't see the monster that her daddy had become.

So there she sat, alone.

____

I mean really, why the fuck would you do that?

Who the fuck does that?

When you know how I feel.

I wouldn't fucking do that to you.

God fucking damnit.

Why the fuck can't things like this happen to me?

What is it that I'm not doing to get guys?

I don't fucking get it.

I really fucking hate myself some days.

I don't understand.

What the fuck is so wrong with me?

I'mOverThisBullShit.

I'm so sick of everyone shit, it's not even funny. How the hell are you going to give me an attitude when I haven't done anything wrong? Why is it that I can't have one fucking day without something bad happening? I'm so fucking pissed, I feel like crying. I'm so done with trying to make people happy. I don't care if you're pissed off. You can suck my fucking dick bro. I've just stopped giving a damn about you. About most people.

Then I get a text from you. How is it that you can make me just smile like that? With just a silly little photo, you turned my whole night around. I can't even be that upset anymore. Here I thought that everyone just didn't want to talk to me. You're even letting me rant to you about my stupid day. Why do you even care? Why are you so sweet to me? I don't understand it. I've found someone who I can have intelligent conversations with about music and the theory behind it. To top it off hes so handsome, and a Sax player. Good god boy. Thank you so much for being able to make me happy.

Work sucked, very much so. I kind of hate myself when I'm there. No one takes me seriously, and it pisses me off. It's days like this just were I just want to sleep. A coma sounds wonderful, so full of bliss. I've grown to hate that word.

As for now, music. And to text this cutie.

Sweet Dreams Fuckers.

I love you.    

Dreams.

I have a very weird problem when it comes to my sleeping behavior. For starters, no matter how many hours of sleep I get, I'm still tired. Now, I know some other people that have this problem. This isn't the weird part however. There would be some nights when my mother would have to shake me awake because I would stop breathing in my sleep. On top of the fact that some night I'll sleep with my eyes open. I never understood why I would do these things.

I also have really realistic dreams. There's been some dreams that I always have over and over again. It's been happening for years. There's this one dream that I would always get depressed about when I would wake from it. I'd be walking in this forest in a dark blue dress, and it was beautiful. The trees we're crystal white, and hallow. The dirt was dark, and there was white stones everywhere. I remember walking along a river till I hear a giggle coming from behind one of the bigger trees. I walk over to see who was behind the tree, and it turns out to be myself. She stands there in a long flowing white dress, without any shoes. Smiling and giggling at me. She (the other me) would then hold me in her arms.

Now I have this dream once every year or so. 

I never understood why I get so happy when I would have this dream. I just feel so.. happy. Loving myself is one thing, but how she acted was odd. Almost motherly. I just don't know.

It's been almost a year.

I'm hoping to get a little more into the dream next time.

Yup Yup.

For the last few day's I've been having problems thinking about what it is that I wanted to blog about. Normally I wouldn't have a problem with this. Everyone needs to take a breather to clear their heads. However, I always have something that I can talk about. Everything that I've already typed up, or thought about typing never seemed to work. So here I am, at seven o' five in the morning, running on zero hours of sleep. Here's what I've got to say.

For the last few years I've met a ton of new people that I talk to. There's this one guy that I was really close to before my old relationship started. We we're very close, and we still are. Thinking back at it now, I should of made my move when I had the chance. He makes me smile, giggle, and yes even sometimes blush. I don't know how he does it, but he does. He's told me that he doesn't want a relationship, due to problems with his past. To which I understand completely.

The funny part about him not wanting a relationship is that I don't think I really want one myself. Don't get me wrong, if he up and asked me to be with him, I would say yes within a heartbeat. But I think it's time for me to stay single, see whats out there for me. In fact I plan on going to see him very soon, a long with some other old friends of mine. Do I feel bad for these feelings that I have for this person? Not at all, to tell you the truth, it makes me kind of excited.

I'm not sure how well it's going to go, but I hope it'll be fun.

That's all for now.

Have a wonderful day everyone.

. . .

I really fucking hate you.

Nothing.

If you know me well, you should know when I'm upset.

When I say there's nothing wrong, you should know that there is something bothering me.

When I ask you to do something, I would hope you would keep it in mind, when you're doing the thing I asked you not to do.

I'm sick of being let down.

I'm done with being the 'friend'.

I'm so over not being the one to get the guys.

One day I'll be able to get someone to like me.

Maybe they won't fall for you.

I can't even be upset with you.

I fell for you at one point.

But there I am again, as the friend.

Why can't I be like you?

I hope you can understand why I'm upset.

I'm just done feeling like the third wheel.

It's Whatever.

I'm at a point now where I don't care what happens.

I'm just gonna do me.

Let's leave it at that.

It's so cold in here.

I need to cuddle my pillow.

Might have plans tonight.

Who knows.

Not this girl.

I'm gonna listen to music tomorrow morning.

Just lay in bed, and chill.

That sounds beautiful.

Have a goodnight everyone.