Hmm.

So, I didn't get a phone call this morning. I guess that means I passed the test.? I sure hope so. I'll be heading into work in about half an hour from now, and maybe I'll get some real hands on training today. That's less stress for me to worry about right now.

Update on Mum: They still won't let her leave the hospital, and I still don't know when she'll be able to come home. There is going to be a big family fight because Mum won't be able to help Nana anymore. I know my Nana doesn't want a home-health person coming to help her, but that this point, she doesn't have an option.

Hollie is moving (for real this time I guess), and I don't live with them anymore. So there is no way that I can help out all the time. On top of the fact that I have a new Full-Time job. I won't have the time. I be damned if I let my mother have another heart attack because my Nana can't take care of her damn self.

My Mum.

"I know you guys are having fun and all, but you need to come home. Right now". Normally this isn't something that people hear in a phone call when they're at an amusement park. "Why, what's happening".? I can't even remember how I had the strength to not fall to the ground. "You just need to come home, Mum is having a heart attack". I never wanted to hear those words ever again. I lost it, I handed Matthew the phone, and I lost it. I remember crying, but I don't remember anything else. I don't remember leaving King's Dominion, I don't remember getting in the car. I know I took some of my Xanax and passed out in the back seat. 

As I was waking up, I remember the boy's talking about what was going on. They got my phone somehow, and they sounded worried that I was asleep for so long. I heard the sound of them opening my pill bottle, and I heard them counting out how many was left. Honestly, I don't know how many I took.

When we got to the hospital, I quickly found my way to my Mum's room. It confused me as to why we (Both the Matthew's and myself), we're the first ones there. Why the fuck wasn't my Mum's boyfriend there yet.? Because he was off getting my grandmother and sister some fucking food. That could of waiting. But like really, though. My fucking mother takes a heart attack, and we're busting our asses just to back in town. We're all the way in another state, and it took us about four hours to get home. It took him FOUR FUCKING HOURS to get there and be with my Mum.? I haven't felt this pissed off in a long ass time.

As of right now, it seems she does have a blockage and is getting medication for it. They won't let her leave yet, and I don't know when she'll be home. On top of the fact that I don't fucking trust doctors, I'm freaking out. She even had to have a blood transfusion. First Nana with her cancer, and now my Mum takes another heart attack. I don't know how much more of this I can handle. On top of the fact, if I didn't do well on that fucking test on Friday, I won't have a job anymore. I'm so fucking stressed, and my head is spinning. I need another Xanax, but I don't want to black out again. I don't know what to do anymore.

Repeat.

I have bad dreams all the time, I started having them when I was about three years old. The bad part with this isn't just that I don't end up getting nights rest. It's that they're slowly starting to get worse. Not meaning that I'm getting them all the time, but the dream itself. So, my nightmares repeat. I always seem to have the same ones over, and over again. The one that I had last night, I have about ten months ago, give or take. So they don't happen back to back.

I don't want to go into detail about this one because it involves the death of children. But what I can tell you, is how it's getting worse. There is one part where a little girl gets stabbed, and now, I'm able to fucking feel it. I felt like i was being stabbed. I KNEW it was a dream, and I can't tell you how I was able to feel it, but it scares me. Typically when people dream, the brain will cause something bad to happen in the dream (to wake them up) because the thing is happening in real life. When the little girl got stabbed in the dream, I did wake up, and I wasn't able to move, talk, or even cry. But as soon as I woke up, I passed back out, and the dream continued from where it left off.

I don't understand why this is happening, and I'm very worry. 

Bye.

So, I'm going to cut more people out of my life. I already took out a bit yesterday, but I might do some more. I'm kind of sick of feeling like a part-time friend. I know a lot of people don't really give a fuck that I feel this way, but oh well. I just don't feel needed by people anymore. But you know, that's the fucked up part. People only seem to fucking talk to me when THEY have some kind of problem. So what's the point in keeping anyone around if they don't give a damn about me.? I just wish someone would think 'hey, I wonder how Britanie is going.' But no one ever does. But here I am, worried about fucking everyone.

Not anymore, I'm done.

Good fucking bye.

7/25/16

Looking at these makes my heart do flips.

I never thought that this would be an option for me again.

The fact that you would spend THAT much on a ring.

Oh Gosh. 

7/21/16

  I don't want to do to anymore doctors. I don't want to deal with my emotions anymore. All I want to do is sleep more and more. I want to stay by your side all the time. But you yell at me for being to clingy. You want your space, but you want me here everyday. I go home for one day, and then I'm back again for a whole week. I don't know what to do, or what to feel. I had a dream about another, and that scares me. I feel like nothing is real anymore. Maybe its the medication, maybe its all the sleep I'm getting.

I just don't know what to feel, or think, or do anymore.

I think I'll take nap.

Fat.

  Today my family had a small conversation with me. My mother sat me down and had a very odd look on her face. As my sister walked in the room (my grandmothers bed room), my mother asked me how my back was. I told her that the pain in my back has gotten a whole lot worse. I told her that last night I was in such bad pain that my boyfriend (Matthew) and our friend (Matt) had to go get some icy hot patches at two in the morning for me. After me telling her all of this information, she told me she had something very hard to tell me. My mother looked dead in my face and told me that I was fat.

                                       Like no fucking way, really.

  I sit here typing this, sitting at a good 190 lbs. I know that I'm a big girl, and I don't need anyone else to tell me that. She says the reason as to why she said this (in front of my family), was because shes worried for my health. Like my bad back problems. I understand that, however, I don't find it okay that she had to say it with everyone listening. That's kind of fucked up. This should of been a one - on - one conversation. But no. At that point I was keeping my eyes from watering up. My sister stood up for me though. Hollie said its mainly the medication that i'm on. Which shes right.


  So, starting tomorrow, I'm going to stop taking all of my medications. I'm going to get on a different type of birth control. Something that doesn't give me a wight problem. Maybe the one in the arm. I really don't eat all that much either. I just feel like this shouldn't of happened like that. I'm glad that they all care for me that much, but it still hurt on how they said it.

I'm still alive.

I'm not really sure how to start this post.


I'm now in a relationship with a wonderful man. His name is Matthew, and he's everything that I could ask for, and much more. I can be myself around him. He's so nerdy, and so sweet. I could go on forever about how much of a fantastic man he is. Being with him has sparked something in me that I haven't felt in a very long time. I feel happy, normal, and loved. He loves me for who I am, and that's all I could ever really ask for.


I've stopped talking to a few people. I'm taking all toxic people out of my life. I have so much going for me right now, that I won't have people like that in my life anymore. I don't want to mess anything up. I don't need your drugs, your affection, or false friendships. I regret nothing that I've done in my life with these people. It's made me who I am today. However, for the betterment of myself, it's wise for me to stay clear of any type of red flags.


The person whom I once had very strong emotional and sexual feelings for messaged me the other day. Now let me be clear. I no longer have any type of sexual feelings for this person. I will always care for them, but only as a friend. Anyways, this person only told me that they want to see me, just to hang out. As friends. I normally don't have any problem with this. However, something feels off about this. I told my boyfriend about this person wanting to see me. I won't keep things like this from him. I don't know if I should still spend time with this person. I would never cheat on Matthew, however, if this person were to try something, all friendship ties would be cut. I don't want to stop being friends with this person, however, if they did try something, I would drop them.


I've been taking my medication like I need to. My depression has been alright for the most part. I might have to talk to Jane about getting a slightly higher mg. I don't want to over do anything, but I feel like the depressants aren't helping as much as they should. I no longer have the feeling to kill myself anymore. I no longer hate myself, nor am I blinded to the fact that I'm a beautiful and wonderful person. At the same time, I'm not sure if it's the medication doing this, or if its Matthew. As long as I keep feeling this way, it doesn't really matter, does it.?


I've been running around so much, I kind of forgotten what it feelings like to just lay back, listen to my music, and relax. I've been going out always every night. Be it with my boyfriend, or just friends, I've been a very busy bee. I've missed this feeling, but at the same time, I find it hard to relax. For the last few weeks, I just come home and pass out, and restart my day. All I really want to do is snuggle up to my Teddy Bear (Matthew), and sleep. 

Good Luck.

It seems that my luck truly is changing.

I had a wonderful time with him tonight.

I have a huge smile on my face.

It's been a long time.

He's such a sweet guy.

Oh God. 

Thank you.

Less then 48 hours.

In less then 48 hours, I got;


A girlfriend.


A girlfriend who is being tracked down by the cops.


Because my girlfriend is hooked to dope.


Stole from her family.


Running from the law.


And I have no idea where she is.


Fuck everything.

So..

I got asked out.

Not sure how to feel.

God damnit.

I welcome you.

In a lot of my dreams, I always seem to be followed by a very dark shadow. I was scared of it at one point in time. Worried that it was some kind of bad sign. However, I had another repeating dream. I was back in the white treed forest. This time, I wasn't running away from the shadow. I was walking along side it. Humming. My normal white dress was now torn and dirty. My shoes were no where to be found. My hair was messy, and my make up was running. I felt safe around the shadow, normally I'm running for my life. I think I know what this shadow is now.

As I walked deeper into the forest with the shadow along side me, we came to the same area as before. With the big crystal glowing white tree. Three big white stones, and the small white fox. As I walked away from the shadow (moving over to sit under the tree again), tears started falling from my eyes. As I got to the base of the tree, I saw that my fox friend wasn't sleeping, but had been killed. There was blood all over her fur, and her eyes glossy. I sat under the tree, and held the fox in my arms. Her blood poured all over my dress, and I sat there, petting her. Humming the same tune as before.

At this point, the shadow was now in front of me. It laughed, this shadow has a voice. As I went to look up at the shadow, it had formed into a faceless man in a suit. A white and silver suit. He had black hair was slightly covered where his eyes should have been. He took a knee, and held my face in his hands. He dried the tears from my eyes, and started humming the tune. As he was humming, I laid the fox in my lap, and stared up at the tree. I felt at peace, I felt.. warm. Looking back down I saw the fox was alive again. Wiggling around and barking slightly. The small fox ran back into the other part of the forest.

I stood up, thinking that I was just dreaming that the fox was dead. That I might of just fallen asleep under the tree. But looking down at my dress, I saw the foxes blood stained on it. I look back up to see the faceless man inches away from my face. He wraps his hands around me, and he spoke. "Are you ready to leave this place". I woke up soon after.

I feel like this shadow, this, man, is death.

He wasn't scary, and I felt calm when I was with him.

It's kinda scary to say this but, I welcome you sir.

I welcome death.