I'm still alive.

I'm not really sure how to start this post.


I'm now in a relationship with a wonderful man. His name is Matthew, and he's everything that I could ask for, and much more. I can be myself around him. He's so nerdy, and so sweet. I could go on forever about how much of a fantastic man he is. Being with him has sparked something in me that I haven't felt in a very long time. I feel happy, normal, and loved. He loves me for who I am, and that's all I could ever really ask for.


I've stopped talking to a few people. I'm taking all toxic people out of my life. I have so much going for me right now, that I won't have people like that in my life anymore. I don't want to mess anything up. I don't need your drugs, your affection, or false friendships. I regret nothing that I've done in my life with these people. It's made me who I am today. However, for the betterment of myself, it's wise for me to stay clear of any type of red flags.


The person whom I once had very strong emotional and sexual feelings for messaged me the other day. Now let me be clear. I no longer have any type of sexual feelings for this person. I will always care for them, but only as a friend. Anyways, this person only told me that they want to see me, just to hang out. As friends. I normally don't have any problem with this. However, something feels off about this. I told my boyfriend about this person wanting to see me. I won't keep things like this from him. I don't know if I should still spend time with this person. I would never cheat on Matthew, however, if this person were to try something, all friendship ties would be cut. I don't want to stop being friends with this person, however, if they did try something, I would drop them.


I've been taking my medication like I need to. My depression has been alright for the most part. I might have to talk to Jane about getting a slightly higher mg. I don't want to over do anything, but I feel like the depressants aren't helping as much as they should. I no longer have the feeling to kill myself anymore. I no longer hate myself, nor am I blinded to the fact that I'm a beautiful and wonderful person. At the same time, I'm not sure if it's the medication doing this, or if its Matthew. As long as I keep feeling this way, it doesn't really matter, does it.?


I've been running around so much, I kind of forgotten what it feelings like to just lay back, listen to my music, and relax. I've been going out always every night. Be it with my boyfriend, or just friends, I've been a very busy bee. I've missed this feeling, but at the same time, I find it hard to relax. For the last few weeks, I just come home and pass out, and restart my day. All I really want to do is snuggle up to my Teddy Bear (Matthew), and sleep.