...

I don't know how to help you.

I can't even talk to you.

I fucked up, I know I did.

I'm sorry.

Letter Three. (I'm so sorry)

    Dear Lisa,


  You're a wonderful person, and I'll be damned if anyone says otherwise. I wish I could of been able to make you happy. I let something go that could of been truly amazing. You have to be the sweetest girl I've ever met. I feel like I hurt you, and it kills me to think such things. My heart would skip a beat just from hearing from you. I would melt from seeing you, that face of yours, it haunts me in some ways. I've had dream after dream about you, and they always end the same. With you in tears.

  I got scared because of these dreams, so I did what was best, and let you go. It hurt so much, and I miss you like crazy. I want you to be happy Lisa, and I'll do whatever I can to make that happen.



    Love,

   Britanie

Letter Two.

    Dear R,


 Hey there sweet heart. I want you to know that you're growing into a beautiful young woman. I'm very upset to see that you've been going down the same path as you did before. Nothing about what you tried to do was okay. If I was near you right now, I wouldn't be sure to hug you, or slap you first. You've been my life for over ten years, and everyday that goes by, I worry more and more. I don't even think you understand how much I worry. Some nights I'll wake up and panic because I'll have dreams of you succeeding in the thing you've been trying to do. I know I don't speak to you as much anymore, and for that I'm sorry. I try not to baby you now, and by not talking to you as much helps.

 It scares me because I don't know whats going on in your everyday life, but that's something I have to live with. You can be strong, I know you can. So start acting like it. Show all these people that you can stand on your own, that you're not weak. For the love of God, don't become like me. I want you to live your life, and be happy.

 I love you, so very much baby girl.


    Love,

  - Britanie

Letter One.

    Dear S,

 It's been a very long time, hasn't it? Some days I wish I was still able to talk to you. Not that I would ever want to split you and your beautiful wife apart. I just miss you is all. You and I we're very close friends, even when we weren't together. You understood me for who I was, and I'd like to still think that you did love me at one point. I know I say all the time that I hate you, but I don't mean it. You were very good to me, but you wanted something better. I understand now why you did what you did. If only you would of told me sooner, I don't think I would of taken it as bad as I did. I still have dreams about what you did, and to this day, it kills me.

 I hope that one day we could be friends again, without any problems. I was told by your old friend that I was a home wrecker. I pray that he was just being a dick. I don't want anything bad to happen to you, or your family. You have every right to live a happy and amazing life with them. I wouldn't want to ruin that for you. All I want is for you to be happy.

    Your friend,

  - Bree

Misunderstandings.

Fuck you.

What the hell did I ever do to you that made you feel this way about me? How the fuck am I a fuck up. After everything I've done for this family? Get the fuck out. I'm so over this shit. Sometimes I really wish I was fucking dead, and YOU don't fucking help any. You have no idea what I do everyday. The battles I fight with myself. I have to look for something good, everyday, to keep myself from wanting to die. A child's laugh, beautiful flowers, anything. But you, you fucking hurt me so god damn much, and you don't even know.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

I fucking HATE the god damn holidays.

What I've done.

I've done some pretty fucked up things as a human being. Some things I never wanted to do. I guess you could say I was just scared. Not knowing what could happen. But after doing these things, I am scared. For the first time in years, I'm scared of what I'm going to do to myself because of the actions that I'm taking. Some of these things would hurt a lot of my family, I might even be looked down on. I just don't know who to turn too.

I have a drinking problem. I can only opening say its a problem because that's all I can think about. Some days I just can't handle life, and I just want to get fucked up. Sometimes I want more then just alcohol. I know I shouldn't think about it, but I can't help it. I want it so badly, and I just.. don't care anymore. It's gotten to the point where I fear its controlling my life. Maybe even fucking it up somehow. How can I look for a relationship with someone, when I'm fucked up all the time?

I've let so many people go because of this problem. This isn't something that just started. It's been a few years. I've only just now seem how bad its becoming. However, I don't want to stop. It's fun. I just get worried that I'm going to take it to far one night. I don't want my mother to have to identify my body. I shouldn't have to make my family worry about me. But I do. That make's me a bad fucking person. I don't even think I should call myself a human being. If nothing else, I feel like a monster.

Most of the people I care about have no idea what I'm talking about, and I'm glad for that. I love you all so much, and I'm so, so sorry. I just.. want to live life. Please don't hate me for the things I do. There are somethings that some people just can't deal with. I've dealt with so many fucked up things, and they help me get over them.

I've started talking to someone new. He's to go for me, on a whole different level. Just like Lisa. I keep find these perfect people, and there's no way I could keep them happy. So I let people go.. just like I did him. But this guy.. he has no idea the things that I think about. I want to tell them everything. But I can't. I don't take rejection that well. I promised myself I would never 'hurt' myself again. But.. my new problems are just as bad as self harm.

I cried myself to sleep again last night.

Even my dreams want me to remember everything.

All of my mistakes.

I'm such a fuck up.

I'm so, so sorry.  

. . . . .

I feel like I lost you.

But I never did have you.

I don't understand how this works anymore.

Fuck my emotions.

I'm done.

Hmm.

I still haven't been able to get to the bottom of you.

No one is perfect.

So what is this.

There's no other words.

Perfection.

Godly even.

Hmm.