What I've done.

I've done some pretty fucked up things as a human being. Some things I never wanted to do. I guess you could say I was just scared. Not knowing what could happen. But after doing these things, I am scared. For the first time in years, I'm scared of what I'm going to do to myself because of the actions that I'm taking. Some of these things would hurt a lot of my family, I might even be looked down on. I just don't know who to turn too.

I have a drinking problem. I can only opening say its a problem because that's all I can think about. Some days I just can't handle life, and I just want to get fucked up. Sometimes I want more then just alcohol. I know I shouldn't think about it, but I can't help it. I want it so badly, and I just.. don't care anymore. It's gotten to the point where I fear its controlling my life. Maybe even fucking it up somehow. How can I look for a relationship with someone, when I'm fucked up all the time?

I've let so many people go because of this problem. This isn't something that just started. It's been a few years. I've only just now seem how bad its becoming. However, I don't want to stop. It's fun. I just get worried that I'm going to take it to far one night. I don't want my mother to have to identify my body. I shouldn't have to make my family worry about me. But I do. That make's me a bad fucking person. I don't even think I should call myself a human being. If nothing else, I feel like a monster.

Most of the people I care about have no idea what I'm talking about, and I'm glad for that. I love you all so much, and I'm so, so sorry. I just.. want to live life. Please don't hate me for the things I do. There are somethings that some people just can't deal with. I've dealt with so many fucked up things, and they help me get over them.

I've started talking to someone new. He's to go for me, on a whole different level. Just like Lisa. I keep find these perfect people, and there's no way I could keep them happy. So I let people go.. just like I did him. But this guy.. he has no idea the things that I think about. I want to tell them everything. But I can't. I don't take rejection that well. I promised myself I would never 'hurt' myself again. But.. my new problems are just as bad as self harm.

I cried myself to sleep again last night.

Even my dreams want me to remember everything.

All of my mistakes.

I'm such a fuck up.

I'm so, so sorry.