Update.

I don't know what it is that made me not hate you for so long. You hurt me for months, and I never said a word. The man I loved is gone, because you put it in my head that he was no good. So what that I found out later that he raped someone? Giving up on him was something I should of done by myself, without you involved. You have no idea what kind of hold you had on me. If you said jump, I would of asked how high. I feel like you used me in a way. Did you really care that much about me? To turn around and tell people that I tried to sexually get to you? Touch you? Yeah right. I went months without sex and you slept with every guy that came along.

I've unpacked everything, fully moved back in with my family. I've been living with them for some time now, but I was scared to fully move back in. Was it because she had such a tight grip on me. Telling me that it wouldn't be long till we had our own place. Or maybe it was because it was our room. I have to many memories in this room because of him, and it makes me sick. But now, I'm taking my space back, this is my home.

As for now, dinner, some drinks, and video games.

Sometimes.

As I've said before. Sometimes I wish I was dead. It's gone far past the point of just wanting to see if people would even miss me. I feel as if it would be better off without me. I don't have the balls to kill myself. I'm weak, I'm not strong. I fear death, the never ending darkness. I pray there is a god. I pray that he hears me, and that he gives me the strength to move forward. I make myself sick, looking at myself hurts, thinking about how I let people treat me feels like a fire burning my insides.

I put on a fake smile day after day, and no one, NO ONE, fucking sees it. I must be a very good actress. I feel like I'm leading myself on sometimes. Thinking that something good could happen to me. Thinking that maybe, just maybe, I could be happy. But no, everything good that happens, get ripped away from me. I hate it. I don't like dealing with this everyday. I work my ass off, and all I want to do is sleep. Forever. I don't want to wake up, but I know that's not apart of the plan. God doesn't want me yet, if he did, I'd be dead by now. There's still things that I have to do before I'm able to get my rest.

Sometimes I dream that I'm an angel. I have huge beautiful white wings, and all I do it take care of everyone. Other then the wings, that's what I've always done. Maybe that's telling me something. Maybe that's my goal in life, is just making sure everyone else is happy. I know an angel, but she doesn't know that she's one. She always seems to put herself down, even though I know she's perfection. I'd never be able to make her happy. I've come to terms with it. She could do so much better, and I wont hold her back from everything she could do with her life.

She keeps getting her heart broken, and I don't know how much longer I can just sit here and watch. There's nothing I can do for her, because she doesn't seem to want my help. I love her so much. I'm sorry you feel so badly about yourself, and I'm sorry that I can't help you. You're a beautiful young woman, I don't know why you keep me in you're life, when I can't do anything for you. I know I've kept you from doing some very stupid shit before. But now? What am I doing for you now? Do I even make you smile anymore? Laugh?

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm sorry for acting childish before. I thought that maybe I had a shot, but know I understand that it wouldn't of helped you. I've wanted for years for you to be mine, I'm still waiting. But.. I don't know if I should or not.

Random thoughts.

I know this is going to sound stupid, but maybe I should start whoring myself around. Whores seem to get whatever the hell it is that they want. They seem a whole lot more happy then I am.

But maybe that's just on the outside.

Who really knows?

I just want to be happy.

I don't see it being with anyone of them.

Maybe I should give up.

I don't know anymore.

Ya.

I feel like I'm becoming more sexual as the weeks go by. I'm not sure what my problem is. I don't want to go out and have sex with random people, but there isn't anyone here that I'd want to be sexual with at this point. I don't want to say its because 'I miss the passion' part of it, because that would be a lie. I want to be pleased, to be played with, fucked. I miss being held down, and being told what to do. I miss another body's warmth next to mine. The calm after the storm.

I don't want anything sexual till I'm with a person. I want what we do to mean something. I don't want it to be a fucking, just because. I want it to be me and them, sharing something wonderful, and making beautiful love.

I miss being loved and cared for.

But I was told something that clung to me.

No matter how hard it may seem, I must do my best.

Trust, no one.

But with my feelings, my heart, or my body.

You know what?

Fuck you, and your head games.

Fuckallofit.

Why would anything I've said mean anything to you?

I should of known better then to fall for this shit.

It would of been to good to be true.

I'm done with all this bull shit.

I just want to be by myself forever.

So I won't get hurt, so I won't disappoint myself.

I don't drift away, I get left behind.