Sometimes.

As I've said before. Sometimes I wish I was dead. It's gone far past the point of just wanting to see if people would even miss me. I feel as if it would be better off without me. I don't have the balls to kill myself. I'm weak, I'm not strong. I fear death, the never ending darkness. I pray there is a god. I pray that he hears me, and that he gives me the strength to move forward. I make myself sick, looking at myself hurts, thinking about how I let people treat me feels like a fire burning my insides.

I put on a fake smile day after day, and no one, NO ONE, fucking sees it. I must be a very good actress. I feel like I'm leading myself on sometimes. Thinking that something good could happen to me. Thinking that maybe, just maybe, I could be happy. But no, everything good that happens, get ripped away from me. I hate it. I don't like dealing with this everyday. I work my ass off, and all I want to do is sleep. Forever. I don't want to wake up, but I know that's not apart of the plan. God doesn't want me yet, if he did, I'd be dead by now. There's still things that I have to do before I'm able to get my rest.

Sometimes I dream that I'm an angel. I have huge beautiful white wings, and all I do it take care of everyone. Other then the wings, that's what I've always done. Maybe that's telling me something. Maybe that's my goal in life, is just making sure everyone else is happy. I know an angel, but she doesn't know that she's one. She always seems to put herself down, even though I know she's perfection. I'd never be able to make her happy. I've come to terms with it. She could do so much better, and I wont hold her back from everything she could do with her life.

She keeps getting her heart broken, and I don't know how much longer I can just sit here and watch. There's nothing I can do for her, because she doesn't seem to want my help. I love her so much. I'm sorry you feel so badly about yourself, and I'm sorry that I can't help you. You're a beautiful young woman, I don't know why you keep me in you're life, when I can't do anything for you. I know I've kept you from doing some very stupid shit before. But now? What am I doing for you now? Do I even make you smile anymore? Laugh?

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm sorry for acting childish before. I thought that maybe I had a shot, but know I understand that it wouldn't of helped you. I've wanted for years for you to be mine, I'm still waiting. But.. I don't know if I should or not.