Little Girl.

There once was a little girl who, unlike other little girls, never saw herself as such. She didn't see herself as something cute and pure. When she looked at herself, she saw something much worse. She saw a monster. It didn't scare her, however, she knew if other people saw her for what she really want, they would shun her. She hid herself away for years, to protect herself. She wore a mask everyday of her life. Acted like a normal little girl, to the best of her ability. She was so scared to be herself. What if her loved ones saw what she truly was.? Would they still love her.? How could they.? Who would love a monster.?

One day the little girl fell in love. She thought that this person would let her feel safe. So she could be herself. She thought that this person would love her for who she is. No more hiding. She could set herself free. She was foolish. Just as she thought would happen, he got scared, and left her. She cried for weeks on end, when would her pain stop.? She knew after that, she'd never be able to find love again. She tried and tried, but she was always to scared to open back up. They'll all hate her, leave her just as broken as the first one. Why couldn't she find happiness like all the other little girls.? Why can't she be normal.?

That little girl grew up into a very beautiful young woman. No matter how beautiful people told her she was, she knew better. What they found beautiful was her mask that she oh so needed in her life. All the people that say they care about her, they love her, it was all lies. Everything they liked about her was an act. Just so they wouldn't see. How could anyone love her.? A monster. She grew tired of all of this. So one day, she did something she told herself to never do. She took off her mask, and broke it into a million pieces.

Now the little girl sits and waits. It's time for her to see who really does care for her. They'll see, everyone of them. It's time to see the monster for who she really is. No one will stay.

No one loves you. No one loves you. No one loves you. No one loves you. No one loves you. No one loves you. No one loves you. No one loves you. No one loves you. No one loves you. No one loves you. No one loves you. No one loves you. No one loves you. No one loves you. No one loves you. No one loves you. No one loves you. No one loves you. No one loves you. No one loves me.

How could they..  

Random.

There's way to much going on in my head right now. It's getting very hard to think clearly anymore. Typing this I find my eyes starting to tear up. Something is wrong with me, and it's not even my depression anymore. I found something today that shocked me, well, by today, I mean about half an hour ago. As I was undressing in the bathroom, getting ready for a hot shower, something caught my eye. I noticed red bumps underneath my left breast. I don't want to panic over nothing, so I don't feel like it's anything. I get random bumps and zits, rashes and other gross things on my body. For someone with such a pretty face, I sure do have a disgusting frame.

What if this is something.. that bad. I'm to scared to even go near a doctor. I try to tell someone about it, but no one understands. I fear them, all of them. I've seen the worst side of what people in the medical field can do. They can get away with murder. So why would I trust them with my body.? I don't know. I've only just started to love myself again, my body included. I still don't feel right about others looking at me. That's why I don't dress flashy, or get 'dolled' up. Sometimes when my friend and I have 'relations', I fear that he will really look at me. I tell him I'm to scared to be on top, well, that's kinda right. I'm scared, because I don't want him to see all of me. Tying this I feel myself slipping back into that depressive state.

I feel like something is near me. I don't feel like it means me harm, but I feel it. All the time. A lot of the time its when I'm in the shower. That makes me sound crazy doesn't it.? What does it matter. It's nice feeling like there's someone there with me, even as I'm dealing with all these problems. It's making itself known. The other night, when I was at my friends place, he had this cup that was sitting on his desk. As I was sitting on him bed watching him play Street Fighter, my eye kept going to the cup. I didn't know why, there wasn't anything odd about it. Just a cup with some pens in it. Next thing I know, I'm looking at him, and something hits the floor. It was the cup. I know it freaked him out a little bit, even though he acted like it was nothing. It worried me slightly. But I know it shouldn't. 

Was it the same thing that's watching me that pushed the cup off.? Was it something else that only stays at that apartment.? I don't know, but it still doesn't scare me. Maybe it was more of a 'hey don't forget I'm still here' type of thing.

My eyes are getting heavy.

Sweet dreams.

10/14

Today is going to be one of those days.

I'm going to stay in my room all day.

Try not to bother anyone.

Maybe play some Xbox.

Try my best not to think about things that'll make me cry again.

But most of all.

I'll act like no one will miss me at all.

Shouldn't be that hard. 

Who, What, When, Where, How, and Why.?

Who;

The one person that I thought I'd always have in my life is the person that tried to end it. The one thing this person was meant to do, was to protect us. This person tries to act like he's never in the wrong, that everything is always someone else's fault. Whenever I hear his name, I feel sick. When it's his birthday.? I cry, and hide, even if you can't hurt me anymore, I still remember. I'll never forget. No matter how hard I try, I can't forgive you.

Who could do such a thing.? Who could look a little girl in the eye, call her a cunt, and beat her. He'd beat me for the littlest things; asking him for help with homework. Telling him I didn't want to be driving with him, because he was drunk. He'd beat me because I was scared of the dark. He was the reason why I was scared of the dark. He made all the monsters in my closet seem like angles.

Now he tries to make himself seem like a good person. He lies to people, and makes them think that he was wronged. Him.? Wronged.? After what you did to us.. all of us. Who could do such a thing.? You were the first man to leave me heartbroken. You took my childhood, and my joyful outlook on life. You left us.

Who could do such a thing.?

My father.


What;

Did you ever tell anyone what you did to us.? I have. I've learned that talking to people about it helps, a little bit. The sad part is, people think I'm crazy because of what you did. "How do you cope with it.? Did you ever talk to someone else about this when it happened".? People think I'm crazy because you fucked me up. You did this to me. You cheated on my mother, moved us from state to state, just to run from the fact that you had a son. You hid him from us. My own blood, a brother. He hates you too, so does my sister.

Not only did you cheat on my mother, and kept my brother us. But you also did something that any person should be looked down for. You put your hands on me. Hit me, kicked me, slapped me, called me dirty, filthy fucking names. You did these things, and it had me fucked up, for a long time. I remember one night, you found a dead mouse. You thought it would be funny if you tossed it on me. Pushed it in my face. Had me look at its lifeless body. You're a sick man for the things you've done.

Lastly, what kind of fucking man are you.? You tried to fucking kill us. Do you even care that you planned it out.? That we found the bullets with B, H, and a J on them.? You wanted to murder us. Take our lives away, maybe it was because you hated yourself. Who knows. I tell my sister to this day that she should of left you die that night. You taking all those pills. Did you really think you could just kill yourself, so you couldn't deal with this.? You're better off dead, however, it's nice to know that you'll have to live with this for the rest of your life. I've become a very dark minded person, must get it from you.


When;

When will I be able to get over this.? Some days I do really feel like I'm crazy because this still bothers me. Is that bad.? Shouldn't I be able to get over something like this within a few years. I've tried blocking it out. Caused me to have very bad twitches. They went away over time, all I had to do was not care anymore. I've become what you've always called me, a bitch. It helps some days. I just really want to know when I'll be able to deal with this like a normal person. This is when my depression started. If you didn't know that already. You Father, you're the reason why I cry myself to sleep some nights. Why I think I'm ugly, fat, stupid, why I don't think any man or woman could ever love me. When will I be able to love myself like I should.?


Where;

Where do you think you can hide from all of this.? With your nice new girlfriend.? Does she even know you're still married to my mother.? Does she know everything you've done.? Do you feel safe with her.? Safe from all the nightmares that you caused this family. Those nightmares are what I call my childhood memories. Sometimes I want to tell her, everything. Then what would you do.? You moved us from sate to sate, just so you could be safe from all the problems that you made. What would you do then, Father.? Where would you go, when all of your lies came to a head.? Where will you go, when no one wants you in their lives anymore.? You've made it clear that you don't want us in your lives, so you have no home here. Not with me.


How;

How can you live with yourself after doing all that you did to us.? Do you think about it at night, just like I do.? Do you cry when you think back to how you treated your little girls.? How can you keep up all of these lies to people.? Can you even go one day without lying.? How does your mind work.? Is it like mine.? A lot of people tell me that I'm just like you, and that pisses me off to no end. That makes me hate myself, makes me want to die. Do you know what keeps me from doing that, from offing myself.? I live every-single-day, just to show people, how much I'm not like you. How I can live my life, and keep going after what you did to me.


Why;

Why did you do any of this.? Why did you tell all those lies.? Why don't you care about us.? Why do you tell people that my Mother is a bad person.? Why do you tell people that nothings your fault.? Why can't you see that you're the cause for all of my pain.? Why did you do this to me Daddy, why.?



Some days I wonder what you tell people about us. If you show people photos. Tell them what we're like. I wonder if you tell them you have a good relationship with us. Some days I want to tell you how I feel, but then again, I don't think you'd care much to hear any of it. After all, I'm just a silly little girl. Who can't do anything right. That needs to sit still, keep her mouth shut, and do as shes told. Why on earth would you bother telling people about me.? I'm an emotional wreck, and you know nothing about me. You don't even bother to get to know me, or the rest of your kids.

What you have done is made me a stronger person. I just wish you cared a little bit. But you weren't here. You never helped when my first boyfriend left me, helped me deal with a brake-up. Wasn't there for my prom. When I finished High School. Didn't have my first drink with me. Helped me with any of my problems. With the rape, the drug problem. Maybe I wouldn't be such a depressed, hateful, and cold person.. if you just cared a little bit.

10/1

I'm so sick of people flaking on me. Every person that wants to hang out, or chill, is fucking dipping out on me. To tell you the truth, I'm getting very pissed off. I mean come on, is it that fucking hard to just come over. After YOU'RE the one that wanted to see me.? I mean, if something came up, that's cool. I understand. However, let me fucking know. Just don't not respond to my text, and not let me know what's going on.

Fuck this noise.

I don't have time for this bull shit in my life anymore.

Goodnight.