Who, What, When, Where, How, and Why.?

Who;

The one person that I thought I'd always have in my life is the person that tried to end it. The one thing this person was meant to do, was to protect us. This person tries to act like he's never in the wrong, that everything is always someone else's fault. Whenever I hear his name, I feel sick. When it's his birthday.? I cry, and hide, even if you can't hurt me anymore, I still remember. I'll never forget. No matter how hard I try, I can't forgive you.

Who could do such a thing.? Who could look a little girl in the eye, call her a cunt, and beat her. He'd beat me for the littlest things; asking him for help with homework. Telling him I didn't want to be driving with him, because he was drunk. He'd beat me because I was scared of the dark. He was the reason why I was scared of the dark. He made all the monsters in my closet seem like angles.

Now he tries to make himself seem like a good person. He lies to people, and makes them think that he was wronged. Him.? Wronged.? After what you did to us.. all of us. Who could do such a thing.? You were the first man to leave me heartbroken. You took my childhood, and my joyful outlook on life. You left us.

Who could do such a thing.?

My father.


What;

Did you ever tell anyone what you did to us.? I have. I've learned that talking to people about it helps, a little bit. The sad part is, people think I'm crazy because of what you did. "How do you cope with it.? Did you ever talk to someone else about this when it happened".? People think I'm crazy because you fucked me up. You did this to me. You cheated on my mother, moved us from state to state, just to run from the fact that you had a son. You hid him from us. My own blood, a brother. He hates you too, so does my sister.

Not only did you cheat on my mother, and kept my brother us. But you also did something that any person should be looked down for. You put your hands on me. Hit me, kicked me, slapped me, called me dirty, filthy fucking names. You did these things, and it had me fucked up, for a long time. I remember one night, you found a dead mouse. You thought it would be funny if you tossed it on me. Pushed it in my face. Had me look at its lifeless body. You're a sick man for the things you've done.

Lastly, what kind of fucking man are you.? You tried to fucking kill us. Do you even care that you planned it out.? That we found the bullets with B, H, and a J on them.? You wanted to murder us. Take our lives away, maybe it was because you hated yourself. Who knows. I tell my sister to this day that she should of left you die that night. You taking all those pills. Did you really think you could just kill yourself, so you couldn't deal with this.? You're better off dead, however, it's nice to know that you'll have to live with this for the rest of your life. I've become a very dark minded person, must get it from you.


When;

When will I be able to get over this.? Some days I do really feel like I'm crazy because this still bothers me. Is that bad.? Shouldn't I be able to get over something like this within a few years. I've tried blocking it out. Caused me to have very bad twitches. They went away over time, all I had to do was not care anymore. I've become what you've always called me, a bitch. It helps some days. I just really want to know when I'll be able to deal with this like a normal person. This is when my depression started. If you didn't know that already. You Father, you're the reason why I cry myself to sleep some nights. Why I think I'm ugly, fat, stupid, why I don't think any man or woman could ever love me. When will I be able to love myself like I should.?


Where;

Where do you think you can hide from all of this.? With your nice new girlfriend.? Does she even know you're still married to my mother.? Does she know everything you've done.? Do you feel safe with her.? Safe from all the nightmares that you caused this family. Those nightmares are what I call my childhood memories. Sometimes I want to tell her, everything. Then what would you do.? You moved us from sate to sate, just so you could be safe from all the problems that you made. What would you do then, Father.? Where would you go, when all of your lies came to a head.? Where will you go, when no one wants you in their lives anymore.? You've made it clear that you don't want us in your lives, so you have no home here. Not with me.


How;

How can you live with yourself after doing all that you did to us.? Do you think about it at night, just like I do.? Do you cry when you think back to how you treated your little girls.? How can you keep up all of these lies to people.? Can you even go one day without lying.? How does your mind work.? Is it like mine.? A lot of people tell me that I'm just like you, and that pisses me off to no end. That makes me hate myself, makes me want to die. Do you know what keeps me from doing that, from offing myself.? I live every-single-day, just to show people, how much I'm not like you. How I can live my life, and keep going after what you did to me.


Why;

Why did you do any of this.? Why did you tell all those lies.? Why don't you care about us.? Why do you tell people that my Mother is a bad person.? Why do you tell people that nothings your fault.? Why can't you see that you're the cause for all of my pain.? Why did you do this to me Daddy, why.?



Some days I wonder what you tell people about us. If you show people photos. Tell them what we're like. I wonder if you tell them you have a good relationship with us. Some days I want to tell you how I feel, but then again, I don't think you'd care much to hear any of it. After all, I'm just a silly little girl. Who can't do anything right. That needs to sit still, keep her mouth shut, and do as shes told. Why on earth would you bother telling people about me.? I'm an emotional wreck, and you know nothing about me. You don't even bother to get to know me, or the rest of your kids.

What you have done is made me a stronger person. I just wish you cared a little bit. But you weren't here. You never helped when my first boyfriend left me, helped me deal with a brake-up. Wasn't there for my prom. When I finished High School. Didn't have my first drink with me. Helped me with any of my problems. With the rape, the drug problem. Maybe I wouldn't be such a depressed, hateful, and cold person.. if you just cared a little bit.