Halloween.

I dressed like a slut.

Looked at myself.

Got sick.

Why the hell do I do this to myself?

Kinda just want tonight to be over and done with.

Now.

I'm sorry that I freaked you out.

But what happened, happened.

So I don't care.

I'll be by myself.

I won't make anymore friends.

I'll go back into my bubble.

Have a safe night everyone.

Goodnight.

WhatTheFuckEver.

I find myself to be a very bad person. Not because I do bad things, but because I always seem to fuck things up. I can't even hold friendships anymore. Hell, I can't even MAKE friends anymore. It's okay though, in the end, I have myself. Why should I even try to make friends or get close to anyone? In the end I'm going to hurt them, or myself. That's just how it's always been. I'm not going to be with anyone if all I do is fuck things up. So whatever. I'm over it.

Maybe I was doomed from the start. I never really had many friends. When I did have friends, it took so much to keep them happy. There's that word again, I really hate it now. Happy. Fuck off. Why is it that other people can be happy, but I can't. I try my very fucking best, but I just can't seem to stay happy. Why do I care anymore? I don't understand it.

I try to be a good person.

All the time.

But maybe I shouldn't be.

Other people act like cunt's all the time, and they seem to be happy.

Maybe if I did that, I'd be happy too.

Maybe I should start playing head games.

Fucking with people.

Making other people cry.

Maybe for one time in my life, I could be the heart-breaker.

But what would that make me? I could never be the type of person that hurts people. I care too much, and that's my down fall. 

More then half of the people I care about, couldn't care less if I was happy.

Fuck it.

Goodnight.

Relationships.

I love them.

I hate them.

I miss them.

I want them.

I can't stand them.

I can't deal without them.

Someday soon I just want to be with that one person that makes me happy. As of right now, I'm finding really sweet people, but I know it wouldn't work out. Or I really seem to like a person, and they turn out to be a fucking prick. I just don't know right now. Having feelings for people is the worst thing I could do to myself right now.

I'm just over it.

Don't do cute shit, like hold my hand, and then stop talking to me. Who the hell does that. "I don't know what I want". Then tell me that. I don't like having to hear shit from other people. I mean really. What did I do that was THAT bad, that you still won't talk to me. Like really, fuck you.

Why can't I just be happy. No matter what I do, I can't be happy.

I just want sleep. All the time. Just sleep.

Ehh.

Here we go again.

Let's just not.

Okay?

I can't stand this anymore.

All I want to do is sleep.

I don't want to deal with people anymore.

I need to rethink my life.

Something must change.

Get out.

Fuck you.

You.

I just don't know anymore.

What should I say to you?

Should I say anything at all?

What would be the point.

I started talking to someone new, and I wonder if you would even care. At the same time, I don't care if you do or don't. Sometimes I just like to sit around and think. What if I never found out? What if we we're still together? It's been years, yet I still have these nightmares about what you've done to me. It makes me sick every time I hear your name. You're the reason why I have so many fucking relationship problems. The sad part is, I don't think you have any idea what you've done to me. I just don't understand how I can hate someone so much, but still miss them.

At the same time, I don't think its you that I miss. It might just be that I miss the cute relationship that we had back then. Everything else that I've had with people, hasn't been the same. I'm sure that's why none of these relationships that worked out. But I can't let this happen to me anymore. I still remember when you would hold me at night, I felt so safe. Now, whenever I close my eyes, I'm scared. The last thing that I want to do is die alone in this world.

I've found someone new, that I've started talking with. I like them a lot. Even the smallest of hugs can make me smile, just like before. I just don't know what to do about it.

I hate being so awkward about things.

Let's just see what happens day by day.

I feel sick a lot as of late.

More like I'm about to be sick.

I shouldn't be.. but I'm not going to let it bother me.

I just needed to rant for a little bit.

I want Arianna to come home, so we can leave, and have a good night.

I need to see you.

ugh.

What I like.

• Cuddles
• Kissing
• Holding Hands
• Playing With Hair
• Good Morning/Night Text
• Being Held
• Music
• Reading
• Writing
• Singing
• Girls
• Boys
• Babies
• Making Love
• Having Sex
• Being Loved
• Candy
• Soda
• Movies
• Video Games
• Role Playing
• Mothering People
• Working
• Sleeping
• Drummers
• Nerds
• Being myself

Not really sure what else to say.

Well, bye bye for now.

Yup.

I'm done.

I'm over it.

I don't care anymore.

Don't act like you care, when you don't.

Don't be nice to me, then be a dick.

Stop trying to be my friend.


I just can't anymore.

Please stop.

For the love of everything beautiful.

Stop making me happy.

I can't even cry anymore.

Fuck off.


This is really why I don't trust people. All the seem to want to do is hurt me, fuck me over, or get me to a point where I just stop caring about everything all together. I just want to fall asleep, listening to my music. But oh wait, I can't even sleep without being woken up by these bad dreams. Sometimes I wish that I was in a coma. However, I have a fear that if I was, I would be stuck in one of those dreams, and I wouldn't be able to wake up.



I don't even know what love is anymore. I don't know if I've ever loved anyone, or if anyone has ever loved me. I'm so over it. 


Fuck feelings.

Fuck sex.

Fuck love.

Fuck you.

Fuck everything.

Painful and Awkward Thoughts.

I just don't understand it. How could you do something like that, and openly tell me. Did you really think that I would be there for you? Do you honestly think that anyone could love you after telling them something like that? After what you already knew what's happened to me before in the past. How could you sit there and tell me you love me. You did nothing but lie to me, and even told me that you did. How could I trust anything that you said? You love me? If everything you told me today was the truth, then I don't want your love.

Sometimes I wish I could just go back in time, and take back everything that I've done. Someday's I wish I never knew your name. Someday's I wish I never befriended you. Then there someday's when I wish I never loved you. I was so happy when we we're together. I don't know what happened to us. At this point, I don't care anymore. What you did to her was wrong. You made me hate a girl that did nothing but love you. You cheated, and broke her. You make me sick. I hope that one day, you'll understand why we can no longer be friends. I would hope, that you could see why what you did was wrong, why I no longer love you. 

You know, I thought that moving on would be a lot harder then it has been. I've reconnected with a wonderful man. He may not know it, but he's truly something wonderful. He's not clinging at all, and that's really weird for me. I'm normally all about the overly clinging people. But this.. this is nice. He's a little bit of a goof ball at times, but its cute. He's adorably awkward at times, and he seems to know how to get me to smile. I try not to be a creep, but I am a clingy person. I cling to everyone, even him. He's like me in some ways. But not all ways, he can really piss me off from time to time. About ten minutes later I realized that I flipped out on him, feel like shit, and yell at myself. I guess you could say that I'm a jealous type. Even though he's not mine. I just get that way, I don't know why.

Just remembered he reads this sometimes. Oh well, I've got to far to go back now. I will not rewrite a new blog for tonight. He most likely wouldn't of gotten this far. He has really bad ADHD, I act like it bothers me. But it's really cute. I'll never tell him that. I like yelling at him when he plays with his phone way to much. He gets so upset when it's about to die. I'll let him use mine when it does die. I don't mind. He's a good guy, I'm happy I have him in my life. I like when we talk a lot. Even if it's just about stupid stuff. He even lets me cuddle him when I want. He even plays with my hair, that makes me melt. It even makes me fall asleep, I almost fell asleep on him last time he did it. At the same time, I feel like he would kick me off of him.

He's a really sexual person for being so awkward. 

Is that awkward for me to say?

I don't have any idea.

I think I want to cut my hair. I love my hair being long, but some times I just miss my old short hair. I don't know if I want to go blonde again, or if I want to keep my red hair for the fall and winter. I wonder what he likes. Eh, I don't know. I think I look good with short hair. Last time it was, I think it turned a little bit orange. I don't remember how that happened, but it did.  

Family.

I don't like talking about my family all that much. Mainly because of how sad I get. I didn't really have it all that bad when I was growing up. I know that a lot of people want to make it seem like they did, but I truly didn't. Everyone has a story to be told. Today just seems like a good night to let it all out. I'm not really sure where to start. Let's just see how this works out.

I was born on the first of June, in the year of 1994. I was a very small baby, so small that when my family took my home for the first time, they had to buy Cabbage Patch Kids clothes for me to wear. Not even an hour after my family had gotten me home, my sisters dog tried to eat me. I guess he thought that I was some kind of chew toy. I'm not really sure how the dog was able to get me out of my stroller, but from what I'm told, my mother (whom was helping my sister in the rest room) came out and saw the dog chewing on my feet. I don't like people touching my feet. I'm pretty sure that this is where it comes from.

(Baby me)

When it comes to my family life, I had a wonderful mother who always tried her best to do everything she could for my sister and I. My mother isn't a saint, but to me, she's everything that any child could ever ask for. She's beautiful, caring, and a total bad ass. I always listen to my mother, not because I was scared of her, but because she did everything she could. What I hated the most is when she would work nights. I missed her, all the time. Not only did she work all the time, but she would clean, cook, and deal with us. We we're happy when she was around. I love her so much, I have no idea what I would do without her. (My mother and father are no longer together. She's with this guy, James. As long as he makes her happy, I have nothing to say. That's all I want. I want my mother to be happy).

(My mother, me, and James)

My sister and I have an odd relationship. When we were younger, I always wanted to be around her. She was my best friend. My sister is a very smart person. She may not of done much with her life as of right now, but she could do so much if that's what she wanted to do. I remember when we we're little, I would beg my mother to sleep in my sisters room with her. I loved it, we would stay up late and just make up stories. We would tell jokes, and just enjoy each other being there. Now its like she doesn't want anything to do with me. She never talks to me anymore, I have no idea whats going on in her life. No matter what, I'll always love her.

(My sister and I)

When I was younger, everyone said that I was a "Daddy's Girl". Thinking back to it now, it makes me sick. To tell you the truth, it makes me want to hurt myself for ever being that way. My father has always had a problem with drinking. For the twenty years that I've been alive, I've seen what my 'father' has turned into. He isn't around anymore. It's a funny story, well not really funny, more like depressing, but with a funny twist. When my father was drinking, he became a different person. I couldn't tell you what he was like before the drinking, mainly because he was drunk all the time. I couldn't ever tell if he was sober. I don't think I've ever seen him %100 sober. We got beat, a lot. Its gotten to the point where if anyone near me gets loud, or even lifts an arm in an anger manner, I get scared. (I'm pretty sure that's where my twitch comes from). Anyways, he cheated on my mother a long time ago. (Needless to say, my sister and I have a brother). My father tried to kill us at one point. He was going to shoot us as we slept, and then kill himself. I guess it was a good thing that my father had a problem with waiting. So he just tried to kill himself. He isn't dead, but he's not here anymore. We never talk. He even forgot my birthday. He doesn't give a damn, and at this point, I don't either.

My brother is such a sweet heart. I've only been able to meet him once. I hope that I'll be able to see him again soon. I hope he grows up and turns out to be a better person than the rest of the family. If you ever read this baby, I love you. No matter what, I am your sister, and I'll always be there for you. Always.

(My handsome brother)