My Feelings 1.

I can't stand it.

I still cry every night.

Why can't I be happy?

Why can't I stop?

My chest hurts.

Everything just seems pointless now.

None of you fucking care.

None of you.

You don't listen.

You don't care how I feel.

What if i did just went missing?

Would any of you really give a shit?

No.

Life would go on.

No one would cry.

No one would miss me.

There's no point anymore.

Who am I?

No one.

I'm nothing.

So fuck it.

I hate myself.

I know that a lot of people seem to say something like this in their life time. But here it is, at 12:54 a.m. on the 23rd of January, it came to me. I am indeed a hopeless human being. I could be doing so much more with my life. But here I lay, doing nothing. Sometimes I feel like my life is frozen, going no where at all. Then there's some days when I feel like I'm running out of time. I wish I was more like my mother. I wish I was as strong as she is. I used to want to kill myself, but then something dawned on me. There would be no point, that act would mark me greedy. How could I take my own life, when its not mine to take. I will die when its my rightful time to do so.

I wouldn't want my mother to have to bury her child. I couldn't let myself do that to her. Death will come for all of us one day, until then, I shall live. If I could even call what I'm doing 'living'. I'm going nothing with my life, and I can see that. I know everyone tells me to go to school, make something of myself. School just isn't my thing, it never was. Working makes me feel like I might be helping in someway. Yes, I woke in a 'store', and I know that may not seem like much to anyone. But you know what's funny about that? Someone has to do it. I like my job, very much. I feel like I'm helping people in a way. It sounds silly, but working is what makes me feel alive.

I know what my problem is. Why I couldn't seem to keep anyone happy in any relationship I was in. Why I couldn't stay with Dakota, why I can't be happy with anyone else. I can't even really love myself anymore because of it. I still love him. My first love, Shane. I don't know why I still do, but I do. No matter how much I tried to let him go, I couldn't. He's moved on, he's happily married. He has an amazing wife, and a beautiful baby boy. I wish them all the best. But, there are sometimes when I just wonder. What would of happened if he never left me? Would I be happy? Married to him? Bore his children? Would I of had my Happily Ever After as every small girl dreams for? Maybe I would of, instead of turning out to be this monstrosity of a train wreck.

Maybe he thinks of me too. I shouldn't be so foolish, he has no uses for me in his thoughts. Sometimes I wish I was able to tell him how I felt, just so he knew. So maybe he could understand what he's done to me. I hope she takes care of him, and makes sure he has everything he wants. I hope that she's able to keep him happy, the one thing I wasn't able to make him do. Maybe one day I'd be able to talk to him again. Maybe even see him. No. That would kill me. He probably wouldn't even recognize me. He would look past me, wouldn't even see me at all. But that's okay. Because all I ever wanted, was for him to be happy. As long as he's happy, that's all that matters to me.


I not sure what else to say right now. I'm making this public for everyone to see. Not for pity, and not for anyone's comments. This is something I needed to let out. Sometimes I think I'm crazy for thinking these things. Maybe I'm right.

As for now, it is now 1:22 a.m. It might be time for me to get some sleep.  

The Life of Willow Baylor. Chapter 1. Part 1.

   Have you ever fell so far from where you wanted to be? Maybe sometimes you feel like you're sinking to the bottom of the ocean, but no matter how hard you try, you can't swim back up. I feel like that from time to time. It's not something that I'd normally like to share with anyone. I don't mind sharing it with you, seeing as this will be the last story I'll ever write. Let's just hope I can make it a good one. I should just start from the beginning. It's best to keep things simple. My name is Willow Lea Baylor, and this is my life.

   I was born on the 11th of May, 1993. I have no sisters, or brothers. Some would call it a lonely life, but being by myself isn't all that bad. I live with my father, Roy. It's just been the two of us for as long as I can remember. My mother died giving birth to me, so I never really got to know her. Everyone that knew her says I look just like her. I have her brown hair and green eyes. My father says mine are a little lighter then hers, but when he looks me in the eye, he feels like hes staring right at my mother. Her name was June, my father always says she was as beautiful as the Spring itself. He never really got over her death, and someday's I hear him crying saying it was my fault. He never knew I heard him say these things, mainly because he would start to cry late at night after a few drinks. I have a slight sleeping problem, nothing that I'd go to a doctor for. I've learned to deal with it.

   I work in a small flower shop right outside of town. I get paid to make sure all of the flowers look beautiful before we send them out. It's not a hard job, it's fun in its own way. I was working there for almost six weeks, and that's when I met her. She looked like pure perfection, if you'd ever see a Goddess with human skin, you'd be looking at her. Her name was Pax, and she was a knock out. She had the type of body that anyone would kill for. She had long blonde hair, crystal blue eyes, and a hour-glass body. I didn't know what to stare at first. I only then realized what I was doing when she smiled at me. Oh, and her smile only added to the list of things I loved about her. So warming, yet something about it made me feel.. odd. I'd never had feelings for a female before. She took my breath away, and stole my heart.

   If I recall correctly, she was in the shop to buy Sun Flowers seeds. I didn't want to scare her by asking a ton of questions, but she said something about wanting to grow her own garden. To tell you the truth, I wasn't really listening to her. I just stood there, smiling, wishing that I had the guts to ask for her number. She must of knew what I was thinking. As I was handing her seeds to her, she asked me to 'hang out' sometime. I was so happy, all I could do was smile and nod my head. Later that night I sent her a text, just to see if she even gave me that right number. In reply to my text I got a photo of her sitting in bed, with just a tightly fitted tank top on with a caption. 'What took you so long cutie'. I feel in love that night. 

Hm.

I think.. I'm going to start writing again.

Now.. what to write about?

Dear Daddy.

How are you able to sleep at night Robert? After everything you've done to my family. You cheated my mother out of a happy life, your children out of a childhood. You've emotional scared your son and daughters for life. My sister can't even leave the house without going into a panic attack because of you. Do you even fucking care? I can answer my own question, there's no need. I have no pity for you, you sorry son of a bitch. I don't know why I could ever think I could forgive you. I hate you, so, fucking, much.

My brother didn't ask for you to be his father, you know that? He didn't ask for any of this. I love him just as much as I love Hollie. You may not be there for him, but I'll try my very fucking best to be there for him. You fucked up, and cheated on my mother, and for what? Faith doesn't want your sorry ass. I don't even understand how you're still married to my mother. Oh, and this new bitch, does she have any idea what you've done? I bet she doesn't. You fucking pig.

I wonder what she would think of you if she found out you tried to kill your family. Would she still love you? Is this some kind of fucked up Beauty and the Beast thing? This poor woman is 'in love' with a nut case.

How could you.

How could take away someones childhood? I just don't understand.

How can you fucking live with yourself, knowing you were going to shoot your wife and daughters in the head as they slept.

Some nights I stay awake in my bed, thinking some pretty dark shit. Like, what would of happened if you did do it? Would you still be able to live with yourself? I don't understand. You planned and was in the process of killing your family, but you can go on and live a happy life. When I fight every day of my life, just to get out of bed.

Would it even hurt?

If you did it?

I was asleep wasn't I?

Tell me, how did it feel, knowing that you were about to shoot your little girl to death as she slept soundly in her bed.

Why did we have to come from you?

Why did you have to be my father?

I fucking hate you.

I wish you were dead.

Everyone always says that I shouldn't say things like that. But you know what? I don't give a fuck anymore.

Maybe if you were dead we could get something out of you.

Seeing as you never did anything for us.

You can't even remember my fucking birthday.

What does that say about you, huh?

Not much.

I hate you. For everything you've done. For all the lies you told. Most of all, I hate you for the fact of, you don't think you've done anything wrong.


So listen for a second.

Fuck off, and die.


Your daughter,

Britanie Lee Williams.

So.. Ya.

Its been weeks, and I still find myself scared of what I read.

I never really thought much of my tarot readings,

But when I'm able to scare myself with things that happen,

I get worried.

I saw the ending of my engagement,

The fall of a close friends relationship,

I was even told of my grandfathers death.

A lot of people saw that tarot readings are fake,

But their not.



So, I want a baby.

Very badly.

I kind of feel like just going out and getting pregnant.

I feel like I would make a wonderful mother.

But then I feel like the baby would grow up and hate me.

I don't know.


Rosalie is coming.

I'm so fucking happy.

Thoughts.

I was very drunk last night.

I could of done something very bad.

But I didn't.

For you.

I have a problem.

It takes a lot to even be able to say it.

But I'll fight it.

For the both of us.


This year I'll be twenty-one years of age. There's so much stuff that I haven't done yet in my life. I kind of feel like my life is passing me before my eyes. I can't do anything to stop it.

I want to become a mother within the next five years.

I won't be able to do it at this rate.

I need someone to love, to care for.

As for now, I'll lay here in bed.

Thinking about how I'll start this new year.

Time to.. reinvent myself.