I know that a lot of people seem to say something like this in their life time. But here it is, at 12:54 a.m. on the 23rd of January, it came to me. I am indeed a hopeless human being. I could be doing so much more with my life. But here I lay, doing nothing. Sometimes I feel like my life is frozen, going no where at all. Then there's some days when I feel like I'm running out of time. I wish I was more like my mother. I wish I was as strong as she is. I used to want to kill myself, but then something dawned on me. There would be no point, that act would mark me greedy. How could I take my own life, when its not mine to take. I will die when its my rightful time to do so.
I wouldn't want my mother to have to bury her child. I couldn't let myself do that to her. Death will come for all of us one day, until then, I shall live. If I could even call what I'm doing 'living'. I'm going nothing with my life, and I can see that. I know everyone tells me to go to school, make something of myself. School just isn't my thing, it never was. Working makes me feel like I might be helping in someway. Yes, I woke in a 'store', and I know that may not seem like much to anyone. But you know what's funny about that? Someone has to do it. I like my job, very much. I feel like I'm helping people in a way. It sounds silly, but working is what makes me feel alive.
I know what my problem is. Why I couldn't seem to keep anyone happy in any relationship I was in. Why I couldn't stay with Dakota, why I can't be happy with anyone else. I can't even really love myself anymore because of it. I still love him. My first love, Shane. I don't know why I still do, but I do. No matter how much I tried to let him go, I couldn't. He's moved on, he's happily married. He has an amazing wife, and a beautiful baby boy. I wish them all the best. But, there are sometimes when I just wonder. What would of happened if he never left me? Would I be happy? Married to him? Bore his children? Would I of had my Happily Ever After as every small girl dreams for? Maybe I would of, instead of turning out to be this monstrosity of a train wreck.
Maybe he thinks of me too. I shouldn't be so foolish, he has no uses for me in his thoughts. Sometimes I wish I was able to tell him how I felt, just so he knew. So maybe he could understand what he's done to me. I hope she takes care of him, and makes sure he has everything he wants. I hope that she's able to keep him happy, the one thing I wasn't able to make him do. Maybe one day I'd be able to talk to him again. Maybe even see him. No. That would kill me. He probably wouldn't even recognize me. He would look past me, wouldn't even see me at all. But that's okay. Because all I ever wanted, was for him to be happy. As long as he's happy, that's all that matters to me.
I not sure what else to say right now. I'm making this public for everyone to see. Not for pity, and not for anyone's comments. This is something I needed to let out. Sometimes I think I'm crazy for thinking these things. Maybe I'm right.
As for now, it is now 1:22 a.m. It might be time for me to get some sleep.
I know how you're feeling with your thoughts regarding Shane. I feel that way about my first love. I'm sorry you're going through this right now. I still am going through the same thing, except I'm going about my pain in a different way (still a bad way). Things will get better. You will be able to move on in time. Its just hard too honestly. It takes a lot of time, pain, suffering, and heartache but you will get through this.
ReplyDeleteRegarding your purpose, if you feel like time is stuck you need to do something about it. Maybe school isn't your thing, okay. However you can always volunteer outside of work. You can always babysit for a friend. You can always be a free therapist, and time time out of your life for someone. You can give yourself purpose without a degree. I promise you things will get better. I'm still working on myself just as you are, but just try to trust me on this. You will get yourself unfrozen, its just a matter of what thaws you.