Random.

There's way to much going on in my head right now. It's getting very hard to think clearly anymore. Typing this I find my eyes starting to tear up. Something is wrong with me, and it's not even my depression anymore. I found something today that shocked me, well, by today, I mean about half an hour ago. As I was undressing in the bathroom, getting ready for a hot shower, something caught my eye. I noticed red bumps underneath my left breast. I don't want to panic over nothing, so I don't feel like it's anything. I get random bumps and zits, rashes and other gross things on my body. For someone with such a pretty face, I sure do have a disgusting frame.

What if this is something.. that bad. I'm to scared to even go near a doctor. I try to tell someone about it, but no one understands. I fear them, all of them. I've seen the worst side of what people in the medical field can do. They can get away with murder. So why would I trust them with my body.? I don't know. I've only just started to love myself again, my body included. I still don't feel right about others looking at me. That's why I don't dress flashy, or get 'dolled' up. Sometimes when my friend and I have 'relations', I fear that he will really look at me. I tell him I'm to scared to be on top, well, that's kinda right. I'm scared, because I don't want him to see all of me. Tying this I feel myself slipping back into that depressive state.

I feel like something is near me. I don't feel like it means me harm, but I feel it. All the time. A lot of the time its when I'm in the shower. That makes me sound crazy doesn't it.? What does it matter. It's nice feeling like there's someone there with me, even as I'm dealing with all these problems. It's making itself known. The other night, when I was at my friends place, he had this cup that was sitting on his desk. As I was sitting on him bed watching him play Street Fighter, my eye kept going to the cup. I didn't know why, there wasn't anything odd about it. Just a cup with some pens in it. Next thing I know, I'm looking at him, and something hits the floor. It was the cup. I know it freaked him out a little bit, even though he acted like it was nothing. It worried me slightly. But I know it shouldn't. 

Was it the same thing that's watching me that pushed the cup off.? Was it something else that only stays at that apartment.? I don't know, but it still doesn't scare me. Maybe it was more of a 'hey don't forget I'm still here' type of thing.

My eyes are getting heavy.

Sweet dreams.