...

I don't know how to help you.

I can't even talk to you.

I fucked up, I know I did.

I'm sorry.

Letter Three. (I'm so sorry)

    Dear Lisa,


  You're a wonderful person, and I'll be damned if anyone says otherwise. I wish I could of been able to make you happy. I let something go that could of been truly amazing. You have to be the sweetest girl I've ever met. I feel like I hurt you, and it kills me to think such things. My heart would skip a beat just from hearing from you. I would melt from seeing you, that face of yours, it haunts me in some ways. I've had dream after dream about you, and they always end the same. With you in tears.

  I got scared because of these dreams, so I did what was best, and let you go. It hurt so much, and I miss you like crazy. I want you to be happy Lisa, and I'll do whatever I can to make that happen.



    Love,

   Britanie

Letter Two.

    Dear R,


 Hey there sweet heart. I want you to know that you're growing into a beautiful young woman. I'm very upset to see that you've been going down the same path as you did before. Nothing about what you tried to do was okay. If I was near you right now, I wouldn't be sure to hug you, or slap you first. You've been my life for over ten years, and everyday that goes by, I worry more and more. I don't even think you understand how much I worry. Some nights I'll wake up and panic because I'll have dreams of you succeeding in the thing you've been trying to do. I know I don't speak to you as much anymore, and for that I'm sorry. I try not to baby you now, and by not talking to you as much helps.

 It scares me because I don't know whats going on in your everyday life, but that's something I have to live with. You can be strong, I know you can. So start acting like it. Show all these people that you can stand on your own, that you're not weak. For the love of God, don't become like me. I want you to live your life, and be happy.

 I love you, so very much baby girl.


    Love,

  - Britanie

Letter One.

    Dear S,

 It's been a very long time, hasn't it? Some days I wish I was still able to talk to you. Not that I would ever want to split you and your beautiful wife apart. I just miss you is all. You and I we're very close friends, even when we weren't together. You understood me for who I was, and I'd like to still think that you did love me at one point. I know I say all the time that I hate you, but I don't mean it. You were very good to me, but you wanted something better. I understand now why you did what you did. If only you would of told me sooner, I don't think I would of taken it as bad as I did. I still have dreams about what you did, and to this day, it kills me.

 I hope that one day we could be friends again, without any problems. I was told by your old friend that I was a home wrecker. I pray that he was just being a dick. I don't want anything bad to happen to you, or your family. You have every right to live a happy and amazing life with them. I wouldn't want to ruin that for you. All I want is for you to be happy.

    Your friend,

  - Bree

Misunderstandings.

Fuck you.

What the hell did I ever do to you that made you feel this way about me? How the fuck am I a fuck up. After everything I've done for this family? Get the fuck out. I'm so over this shit. Sometimes I really wish I was fucking dead, and YOU don't fucking help any. You have no idea what I do everyday. The battles I fight with myself. I have to look for something good, everyday, to keep myself from wanting to die. A child's laugh, beautiful flowers, anything. But you, you fucking hurt me so god damn much, and you don't even know.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

I fucking HATE the god damn holidays.

What I've done.

I've done some pretty fucked up things as a human being. Some things I never wanted to do. I guess you could say I was just scared. Not knowing what could happen. But after doing these things, I am scared. For the first time in years, I'm scared of what I'm going to do to myself because of the actions that I'm taking. Some of these things would hurt a lot of my family, I might even be looked down on. I just don't know who to turn too.

I have a drinking problem. I can only opening say its a problem because that's all I can think about. Some days I just can't handle life, and I just want to get fucked up. Sometimes I want more then just alcohol. I know I shouldn't think about it, but I can't help it. I want it so badly, and I just.. don't care anymore. It's gotten to the point where I fear its controlling my life. Maybe even fucking it up somehow. How can I look for a relationship with someone, when I'm fucked up all the time?

I've let so many people go because of this problem. This isn't something that just started. It's been a few years. I've only just now seem how bad its becoming. However, I don't want to stop. It's fun. I just get worried that I'm going to take it to far one night. I don't want my mother to have to identify my body. I shouldn't have to make my family worry about me. But I do. That make's me a bad fucking person. I don't even think I should call myself a human being. If nothing else, I feel like a monster.

Most of the people I care about have no idea what I'm talking about, and I'm glad for that. I love you all so much, and I'm so, so sorry. I just.. want to live life. Please don't hate me for the things I do. There are somethings that some people just can't deal with. I've dealt with so many fucked up things, and they help me get over them.

I've started talking to someone new. He's to go for me, on a whole different level. Just like Lisa. I keep find these perfect people, and there's no way I could keep them happy. So I let people go.. just like I did him. But this guy.. he has no idea the things that I think about. I want to tell them everything. But I can't. I don't take rejection that well. I promised myself I would never 'hurt' myself again. But.. my new problems are just as bad as self harm.

I cried myself to sleep again last night.

Even my dreams want me to remember everything.

All of my mistakes.

I'm such a fuck up.

I'm so, so sorry.  

. . . . .

I feel like I lost you.

But I never did have you.

I don't understand how this works anymore.

Fuck my emotions.

I'm done.

Hmm.

I still haven't been able to get to the bottom of you.

No one is perfect.

So what is this.

There's no other words.

Perfection.

Godly even.

Hmm.

Work.

I think that today was the first day of work that I really felt like a supervisor.

I don't know why.

I just had so much stuff to do.

It felt right.

Not saying I was being bossy.

More like.

Being able to help people.

You know?

I didn't freak out one time.

I 'owned' it.

I just hope this feeling doesn't go away.

Smiles.

I don't know why, but this guy just puts a smile on my face.

Normally I would find a person staring at me creepy, but he was so sweet.

No perverted passes or comments.

Just conversation.

He didn't stay up to late though.

But it's because he had work in the morning.

I like that.

He knew he had shit to do, and he did it.

Poor thing had to work at six this morning.

I can't wait to hear from him.

That's if he text's me.

If not that's fine.

I have some other stuff to do..

Now.

Let's start unpacking.

Night Light.

There once was a little girl who was scared of the dark. She would hide under she sheets at night, so that the witches in her closet couldn't get to her. She would hate it when her mummy would come in and shut off her small t.v. and tell her it was time for bed. She wouldn't even want to watch any of her late night cartoons, she just wanted the light to stay on. There was always some kind of back up however. Some toys she would beg for because they would glow in the dark. As long as she had some kind of light, she was happy. Then one day, her mummy and daddy got her a small red night light so she wouldn't be so scared of the dark anymore. She had no idea how her parents knew about the witches, but she was overjoyed with her new night light.

She was such a silly little thing. Every morning she would awaken to a room full of sunshine, and she couldn't of been happier. There was one morning though, were the silly little girl forgot to shut off her night light. After a fun fulled day of playing outside in the sun, it came time for bed time once more. As she got ready for bed, and asked her mummy to turn on her night light before she got into bed. As it came to her mummies surprise, the night light had stopped working. She sat down next to the little girl and told her that she wouldn't be able to use the night light, and the little girl cried. She begged to sleep in her mummies room, but to no avail. So there the little girl was, curled in her sheets, crying, and scared half to death.

She would here some things coming from her closet. She would hear the witches say things to her. They would call her ugly, stupid, four-eyes, and much more hurtful things. She didn't understand why they would just say these things to her. the little girl got so upset that she sat up in bed and began to yell at the witches. "Stop calling me names and come out already". Said the little girl with a roar. "You won't scare me anymore". As the words came flying out of the little girls mouth like fire, she heard a small giggle. "I like this one". At this point, the little girl was mad. Was this witch mocking her for standing up for herself? With a heart full of pride, the little girl ran over to her closet and opened it up. "If you have something to say, then say it". She knew there was no going back at this point. "Or maybe your just scared to show me your face, you ugly old witch"!

Within seconds of the little girl opening her eyes, she saw something that she'd never forget. A pair of big yellow eyes looking down at her with a smile. "Hush now my child, for its not the dark that you must fear". The little girl was so scared and confused. What did this witch mean by that? What could be worse then not being able to see anything? She fell to the floor and curled up, knowing that the witch would kill her at any second from what she said to her. She shut her eyes tightly and began to sob. At this moment she felt warm arms wrap around her. "It's the light that you should fear, for the light can truly show you how scary some monsters can be". 

As sun light came pouring into the room, the little girl awoke in her bed. 'Was it all a dream'? She thought to herself, trying to remember what had happened only a few hours before. The silly little girl got ready for her fun fulled day and went outside to play. As she looked around, she saw her mummy and daddy outside fussing. She slowly walked over and hid behind a tree. "You dumb bitch, I'd kill you". A loud smack had made its way across her mummies face. The little girl jumped back in horror. Why would he do that to her mummy? Daddy was always so sweet.. wasn't he?

The little girl ran back to her room and locked herself in her closet. She sat there, in the dark, and cried. She understood it now, what the witch was trying to tell her. If it wasn't for the light, she wouldn't of ever known what kind of monster her daddy was. She didn't like this one bit. She was scared, and didn't know who to talk to about this. The little girl didn't want her mummy to know that she had seen what happened. What if he would beat her for knowing? All she could do was sit there in the dark. Though, she wasn't scared of it anymore. She felt safe, she couldn't see in the dark. If it was dark, she couldn't see the monster that her daddy had become.

So there she sat, alone.

____

I mean really, why the fuck would you do that?

Who the fuck does that?

When you know how I feel.

I wouldn't fucking do that to you.

God fucking damnit.

Why the fuck can't things like this happen to me?

What is it that I'm not doing to get guys?

I don't fucking get it.

I really fucking hate myself some days.

I don't understand.

What the fuck is so wrong with me?

I'mOverThisBullShit.

I'm so sick of everyone shit, it's not even funny. How the hell are you going to give me an attitude when I haven't done anything wrong? Why is it that I can't have one fucking day without something bad happening? I'm so fucking pissed, I feel like crying. I'm so done with trying to make people happy. I don't care if you're pissed off. You can suck my fucking dick bro. I've just stopped giving a damn about you. About most people.

Then I get a text from you. How is it that you can make me just smile like that? With just a silly little photo, you turned my whole night around. I can't even be that upset anymore. Here I thought that everyone just didn't want to talk to me. You're even letting me rant to you about my stupid day. Why do you even care? Why are you so sweet to me? I don't understand it. I've found someone who I can have intelligent conversations with about music and the theory behind it. To top it off hes so handsome, and a Sax player. Good god boy. Thank you so much for being able to make me happy.

Work sucked, very much so. I kind of hate myself when I'm there. No one takes me seriously, and it pisses me off. It's days like this just were I just want to sleep. A coma sounds wonderful, so full of bliss. I've grown to hate that word.

As for now, music. And to text this cutie.

Sweet Dreams Fuckers.

I love you.    

Dreams.

I have a very weird problem when it comes to my sleeping behavior. For starters, no matter how many hours of sleep I get, I'm still tired. Now, I know some other people that have this problem. This isn't the weird part however. There would be some nights when my mother would have to shake me awake because I would stop breathing in my sleep. On top of the fact that some night I'll sleep with my eyes open. I never understood why I would do these things.

I also have really realistic dreams. There's been some dreams that I always have over and over again. It's been happening for years. There's this one dream that I would always get depressed about when I would wake from it. I'd be walking in this forest in a dark blue dress, and it was beautiful. The trees we're crystal white, and hallow. The dirt was dark, and there was white stones everywhere. I remember walking along a river till I hear a giggle coming from behind one of the bigger trees. I walk over to see who was behind the tree, and it turns out to be myself. She stands there in a long flowing white dress, without any shoes. Smiling and giggling at me. She (the other me) would then hold me in her arms.

Now I have this dream once every year or so. 

I never understood why I get so happy when I would have this dream. I just feel so.. happy. Loving myself is one thing, but how she acted was odd. Almost motherly. I just don't know.

It's been almost a year.

I'm hoping to get a little more into the dream next time.

Yup Yup.

For the last few day's I've been having problems thinking about what it is that I wanted to blog about. Normally I wouldn't have a problem with this. Everyone needs to take a breather to clear their heads. However, I always have something that I can talk about. Everything that I've already typed up, or thought about typing never seemed to work. So here I am, at seven o' five in the morning, running on zero hours of sleep. Here's what I've got to say.

For the last few years I've met a ton of new people that I talk to. There's this one guy that I was really close to before my old relationship started. We we're very close, and we still are. Thinking back at it now, I should of made my move when I had the chance. He makes me smile, giggle, and yes even sometimes blush. I don't know how he does it, but he does. He's told me that he doesn't want a relationship, due to problems with his past. To which I understand completely.

The funny part about him not wanting a relationship is that I don't think I really want one myself. Don't get me wrong, if he up and asked me to be with him, I would say yes within a heartbeat. But I think it's time for me to stay single, see whats out there for me. In fact I plan on going to see him very soon, a long with some other old friends of mine. Do I feel bad for these feelings that I have for this person? Not at all, to tell you the truth, it makes me kind of excited.

I'm not sure how well it's going to go, but I hope it'll be fun.

That's all for now.

Have a wonderful day everyone.

. . .

I really fucking hate you.

Nothing.

If you know me well, you should know when I'm upset.

When I say there's nothing wrong, you should know that there is something bothering me.

When I ask you to do something, I would hope you would keep it in mind, when you're doing the thing I asked you not to do.

I'm sick of being let down.

I'm done with being the 'friend'.

I'm so over not being the one to get the guys.

One day I'll be able to get someone to like me.

Maybe they won't fall for you.

I can't even be upset with you.

I fell for you at one point.

But there I am again, as the friend.

Why can't I be like you?

I hope you can understand why I'm upset.

I'm just done feeling like the third wheel.

It's Whatever.

I'm at a point now where I don't care what happens.

I'm just gonna do me.

Let's leave it at that.

It's so cold in here.

I need to cuddle my pillow.

Might have plans tonight.

Who knows.

Not this girl.

I'm gonna listen to music tomorrow morning.

Just lay in bed, and chill.

That sounds beautiful.

Have a goodnight everyone.

Halloween.

I dressed like a slut.

Looked at myself.

Got sick.

Why the hell do I do this to myself?

Kinda just want tonight to be over and done with.

Now.

I'm sorry that I freaked you out.

But what happened, happened.

So I don't care.

I'll be by myself.

I won't make anymore friends.

I'll go back into my bubble.

Have a safe night everyone.

Goodnight.

WhatTheFuckEver.

I find myself to be a very bad person. Not because I do bad things, but because I always seem to fuck things up. I can't even hold friendships anymore. Hell, I can't even MAKE friends anymore. It's okay though, in the end, I have myself. Why should I even try to make friends or get close to anyone? In the end I'm going to hurt them, or myself. That's just how it's always been. I'm not going to be with anyone if all I do is fuck things up. So whatever. I'm over it.

Maybe I was doomed from the start. I never really had many friends. When I did have friends, it took so much to keep them happy. There's that word again, I really hate it now. Happy. Fuck off. Why is it that other people can be happy, but I can't. I try my very fucking best, but I just can't seem to stay happy. Why do I care anymore? I don't understand it.

I try to be a good person.

All the time.

But maybe I shouldn't be.

Other people act like cunt's all the time, and they seem to be happy.

Maybe if I did that, I'd be happy too.

Maybe I should start playing head games.

Fucking with people.

Making other people cry.

Maybe for one time in my life, I could be the heart-breaker.

But what would that make me? I could never be the type of person that hurts people. I care too much, and that's my down fall. 

More then half of the people I care about, couldn't care less if I was happy.

Fuck it.

Goodnight.

Relationships.

I love them.

I hate them.

I miss them.

I want them.

I can't stand them.

I can't deal without them.

Someday soon I just want to be with that one person that makes me happy. As of right now, I'm finding really sweet people, but I know it wouldn't work out. Or I really seem to like a person, and they turn out to be a fucking prick. I just don't know right now. Having feelings for people is the worst thing I could do to myself right now.

I'm just over it.

Don't do cute shit, like hold my hand, and then stop talking to me. Who the hell does that. "I don't know what I want". Then tell me that. I don't like having to hear shit from other people. I mean really. What did I do that was THAT bad, that you still won't talk to me. Like really, fuck you.

Why can't I just be happy. No matter what I do, I can't be happy.

I just want sleep. All the time. Just sleep.

Ehh.

Here we go again.

Let's just not.

Okay?

I can't stand this anymore.

All I want to do is sleep.

I don't want to deal with people anymore.

I need to rethink my life.

Something must change.

Get out.

Fuck you.

You.

I just don't know anymore.

What should I say to you?

Should I say anything at all?

What would be the point.

I started talking to someone new, and I wonder if you would even care. At the same time, I don't care if you do or don't. Sometimes I just like to sit around and think. What if I never found out? What if we we're still together? It's been years, yet I still have these nightmares about what you've done to me. It makes me sick every time I hear your name. You're the reason why I have so many fucking relationship problems. The sad part is, I don't think you have any idea what you've done to me. I just don't understand how I can hate someone so much, but still miss them.

At the same time, I don't think its you that I miss. It might just be that I miss the cute relationship that we had back then. Everything else that I've had with people, hasn't been the same. I'm sure that's why none of these relationships that worked out. But I can't let this happen to me anymore. I still remember when you would hold me at night, I felt so safe. Now, whenever I close my eyes, I'm scared. The last thing that I want to do is die alone in this world.

I've found someone new, that I've started talking with. I like them a lot. Even the smallest of hugs can make me smile, just like before. I just don't know what to do about it.

I hate being so awkward about things.

Let's just see what happens day by day.

I feel sick a lot as of late.

More like I'm about to be sick.

I shouldn't be.. but I'm not going to let it bother me.

I just needed to rant for a little bit.

I want Arianna to come home, so we can leave, and have a good night.

I need to see you.

ugh.

What I like.

• Cuddles
• Kissing
• Holding Hands
• Playing With Hair
• Good Morning/Night Text
• Being Held
• Music
• Reading
• Writing
• Singing
• Girls
• Boys
• Babies
• Making Love
• Having Sex
• Being Loved
• Candy
• Soda
• Movies
• Video Games
• Role Playing
• Mothering People
• Working
• Sleeping
• Drummers
• Nerds
• Being myself

Not really sure what else to say.

Well, bye bye for now.

Yup.

I'm done.

I'm over it.

I don't care anymore.

Don't act like you care, when you don't.

Don't be nice to me, then be a dick.

Stop trying to be my friend.


I just can't anymore.

Please stop.

For the love of everything beautiful.

Stop making me happy.

I can't even cry anymore.

Fuck off.


This is really why I don't trust people. All the seem to want to do is hurt me, fuck me over, or get me to a point where I just stop caring about everything all together. I just want to fall asleep, listening to my music. But oh wait, I can't even sleep without being woken up by these bad dreams. Sometimes I wish that I was in a coma. However, I have a fear that if I was, I would be stuck in one of those dreams, and I wouldn't be able to wake up.



I don't even know what love is anymore. I don't know if I've ever loved anyone, or if anyone has ever loved me. I'm so over it. 


Fuck feelings.

Fuck sex.

Fuck love.

Fuck you.

Fuck everything.

Painful and Awkward Thoughts.

I just don't understand it. How could you do something like that, and openly tell me. Did you really think that I would be there for you? Do you honestly think that anyone could love you after telling them something like that? After what you already knew what's happened to me before in the past. How could you sit there and tell me you love me. You did nothing but lie to me, and even told me that you did. How could I trust anything that you said? You love me? If everything you told me today was the truth, then I don't want your love.

Sometimes I wish I could just go back in time, and take back everything that I've done. Someday's I wish I never knew your name. Someday's I wish I never befriended you. Then there someday's when I wish I never loved you. I was so happy when we we're together. I don't know what happened to us. At this point, I don't care anymore. What you did to her was wrong. You made me hate a girl that did nothing but love you. You cheated, and broke her. You make me sick. I hope that one day, you'll understand why we can no longer be friends. I would hope, that you could see why what you did was wrong, why I no longer love you. 

You know, I thought that moving on would be a lot harder then it has been. I've reconnected with a wonderful man. He may not know it, but he's truly something wonderful. He's not clinging at all, and that's really weird for me. I'm normally all about the overly clinging people. But this.. this is nice. He's a little bit of a goof ball at times, but its cute. He's adorably awkward at times, and he seems to know how to get me to smile. I try not to be a creep, but I am a clingy person. I cling to everyone, even him. He's like me in some ways. But not all ways, he can really piss me off from time to time. About ten minutes later I realized that I flipped out on him, feel like shit, and yell at myself. I guess you could say that I'm a jealous type. Even though he's not mine. I just get that way, I don't know why.

Just remembered he reads this sometimes. Oh well, I've got to far to go back now. I will not rewrite a new blog for tonight. He most likely wouldn't of gotten this far. He has really bad ADHD, I act like it bothers me. But it's really cute. I'll never tell him that. I like yelling at him when he plays with his phone way to much. He gets so upset when it's about to die. I'll let him use mine when it does die. I don't mind. He's a good guy, I'm happy I have him in my life. I like when we talk a lot. Even if it's just about stupid stuff. He even lets me cuddle him when I want. He even plays with my hair, that makes me melt. It even makes me fall asleep, I almost fell asleep on him last time he did it. At the same time, I feel like he would kick me off of him.

He's a really sexual person for being so awkward. 

Is that awkward for me to say?

I don't have any idea.

I think I want to cut my hair. I love my hair being long, but some times I just miss my old short hair. I don't know if I want to go blonde again, or if I want to keep my red hair for the fall and winter. I wonder what he likes. Eh, I don't know. I think I look good with short hair. Last time it was, I think it turned a little bit orange. I don't remember how that happened, but it did.  

Family.

I don't like talking about my family all that much. Mainly because of how sad I get. I didn't really have it all that bad when I was growing up. I know that a lot of people want to make it seem like they did, but I truly didn't. Everyone has a story to be told. Today just seems like a good night to let it all out. I'm not really sure where to start. Let's just see how this works out.

I was born on the first of June, in the year of 1994. I was a very small baby, so small that when my family took my home for the first time, they had to buy Cabbage Patch Kids clothes for me to wear. Not even an hour after my family had gotten me home, my sisters dog tried to eat me. I guess he thought that I was some kind of chew toy. I'm not really sure how the dog was able to get me out of my stroller, but from what I'm told, my mother (whom was helping my sister in the rest room) came out and saw the dog chewing on my feet. I don't like people touching my feet. I'm pretty sure that this is where it comes from.

(Baby me)

When it comes to my family life, I had a wonderful mother who always tried her best to do everything she could for my sister and I. My mother isn't a saint, but to me, she's everything that any child could ever ask for. She's beautiful, caring, and a total bad ass. I always listen to my mother, not because I was scared of her, but because she did everything she could. What I hated the most is when she would work nights. I missed her, all the time. Not only did she work all the time, but she would clean, cook, and deal with us. We we're happy when she was around. I love her so much, I have no idea what I would do without her. (My mother and father are no longer together. She's with this guy, James. As long as he makes her happy, I have nothing to say. That's all I want. I want my mother to be happy).

(My mother, me, and James)

My sister and I have an odd relationship. When we were younger, I always wanted to be around her. She was my best friend. My sister is a very smart person. She may not of done much with her life as of right now, but she could do so much if that's what she wanted to do. I remember when we we're little, I would beg my mother to sleep in my sisters room with her. I loved it, we would stay up late and just make up stories. We would tell jokes, and just enjoy each other being there. Now its like she doesn't want anything to do with me. She never talks to me anymore, I have no idea whats going on in her life. No matter what, I'll always love her.

(My sister and I)

When I was younger, everyone said that I was a "Daddy's Girl". Thinking back to it now, it makes me sick. To tell you the truth, it makes me want to hurt myself for ever being that way. My father has always had a problem with drinking. For the twenty years that I've been alive, I've seen what my 'father' has turned into. He isn't around anymore. It's a funny story, well not really funny, more like depressing, but with a funny twist. When my father was drinking, he became a different person. I couldn't tell you what he was like before the drinking, mainly because he was drunk all the time. I couldn't ever tell if he was sober. I don't think I've ever seen him %100 sober. We got beat, a lot. Its gotten to the point where if anyone near me gets loud, or even lifts an arm in an anger manner, I get scared. (I'm pretty sure that's where my twitch comes from). Anyways, he cheated on my mother a long time ago. (Needless to say, my sister and I have a brother). My father tried to kill us at one point. He was going to shoot us as we slept, and then kill himself. I guess it was a good thing that my father had a problem with waiting. So he just tried to kill himself. He isn't dead, but he's not here anymore. We never talk. He even forgot my birthday. He doesn't give a damn, and at this point, I don't either.

My brother is such a sweet heart. I've only been able to meet him once. I hope that I'll be able to see him again soon. I hope he grows up and turns out to be a better person than the rest of the family. If you ever read this baby, I love you. No matter what, I am your sister, and I'll always be there for you. Always.

(My handsome brother)

Sex in a Car Wash

There has been so much happening in my life within the past week. I think that my feelings are trying to get the best of me. I just.. I don't know what to do anymore. I just miss being with someone, not even a relationship anymore. Don't get me wrong, I'd love a healthy relationship, but I just miss having someone to hold me when I'm upset. Someone to dry off my tears, I miss being loved, being taken care of. I just don't know anymore.

I miss sex.

I'm not trying to sound like a whore. I just miss the passion, the lust. I wouldn't just have sex with anyone, I just miss it.

I just want someone to cuddle.

I want to cuddle you.

Ugh.

I'm done.

I'm still thinking about just not being with anyone, Asexual for life. But I do want to be with someone. Here's a better question, why the hell can't I get anyone. But everyone else that I know, can. Am I not pretty? I don't know.

I don't care.

I love you guys.

What I...

What makes me happy;

• Music
• Writing
• Relationships/Friendships
• Sex
• Animals

What I dislike about myself;

• My eyes
• My teeth
• My body
• My personality
• My twitch

What I've come to understand;

• There is nothing wrong with me
• I should love every bit of myself

What I know;

• I am a beautiful person

There is nothing wrong with who I am, or who I plan to be.

For anyone who has problems with themselves, just remember one thing. There is no one else in this world that is like you. No one could ever replace you. You're all beautiful, even with all of your flaws.

Shit Talking and Dick Talking.

I really hate not being in a relationship.

I love relationships.

I really do.

What really bothers me is that I have feelings for people, and they have no idea.

I have to keep my mouth shut.

Mainly to keep myself from getting hurt.

However, I have a few people in mind.

That I like.

I'd like to get to know them better.

That means I would have to talk to them.

I have no idea what I'm doing with my life.

I don't like people who talk shit about people.

It really bothers me.

If its not something you'd say to their face.

Keep your fucking mouth shut.

If you do this to anyone at all, fuck off.

Get out of my life.

Die.

My best friend and I talk about Dicks a lot.

People, and penis.

Just seems to work that way.

I love them and hate them at the same time.

I miss sex.

Like good sex.

I need a man.

I need a lover.

Someone to take care of me.

Love me.

I need to stop thinking.

I need sleep.

I love you guys.

The Little Things.

Everyone has bad days, some have bad weeks, months, or even years. I'll never be the person to say that I have a bad life, even if I've had bad days, it doesn't mean things won't get better. Within the twenty years that I've been alive, I've had some things happen to me that got me to question a lot of facts about my life. I didn't have the best family life, but in the other hand, I didn't have the worst. In the end, I love my family. Sometimes I still wonder why, some days however, I just like to forget. Forget about everything that's happened, and just think about the little things.

I've learned that all of the bad things that have hurt me, scared me, and worried me, shouldn't, and doesn't bother me anymore.

The little things should be the most important moments and memories that you should always remember. Even if its something small, like your first bike, hanging out with your best friends, or even just laying down and watching the clouds pass by. Just relax, breath, and try to remember that this is your life. Do what makes you happy, and stop trying to make other people happy.


It's very hard for me to let people know how I'm feeling. What makes it funny is that I love it when people open up to me. I love to understand how people feel, I like to know whats going on in their lives. To me, that keeps me from thinking about all of the fucked up problems that I have in life. Its just.. all the little things that they deal with. Those little things, keep me from feeling sorry for myself. I don't try to push too deep in their problems, mainly because I know that if someone was trying to do that to me, I would be very upset. Maybe to the point that I was just start crying.

Like I said, Its hard for me to talk to people. No matter how hard I want to try and talk to someone, I always kept everything bottled up. I know that its not healthy. So I worked on it, everyday. At this point, I needed to do anything to keep my mind off of all the bad stuff. So, one day I just looked outside, and watched the clouds.

I like these little things.

I love these little things.

Never for get what they have done. Forgive those whom would forgive you.

Live your life. Please.

Bree.

Things to know about me.

1. I dislike anyone whom talks behind their friend's back.
(I don't like to name name's. Its just never okay to call someone your friend, and talk shit about them in the same day. Fuck you, you childish, spineless, lying, hateful worms.)

2. I try to be a good person, even when I shouldn't.
(For years I've always been trying to be everyone's friend. It doesn't really work out in the end. I have myself, and my family. Blood related or not.)

3. I only have two friends.
(You know who you both are. I love you both very, very much.)

4. I think about how people would respond to my death, a lot.
(I don't want to die, however I think it would be very interesting to see how people would react to my death.)

5. All I've ever wanted was to be a mother.
(I mother everyone that I can. I take care of people, its just what I do. I fear that this dream of being a mother will never happen.)

I'd like to think of myself as a normal person. This thought has been in my mind for years. Screaming at me, so I understood that I was normal just like everyone else. After twenty years of trying to convince myself that this lie was indeed fact, it came to me. There is no 'normal', there is no 'perfect'. Everyone has their own flaws, and we should love them for such.

It took my twenty years, but its happened.

I love myself, and all of my flaws.