You.

Keep a smile on your face.

Everything will be alright.

Even if I'm not.

Don't worry.

11/15

Sometimes people will make odd comments. Comments like, 'who would be next to me if I were in the hospital'. Or 'who would care if something happened to me'. I find comments like this really funny. Not because people care about who would be with them in hard times, but because for me, I already know. For me, I'm nothing for people to worry for. Say I was in the hospital, maybe I got hit by a car or something. No one would show up to see me. Not a damn soul. But you know what.? That's okay. Most people have no idea what I do in my life, because no one gives a damn. If that were to happen to me, the only person to be by my side would be my mother.

I wouldn't want anyone to worry for me. The funny thing.? Who the fuck would even know that something happened to me.? How would they even find out.? No one would have any idea. I'd be by myself, like always.


Maybe I do need some help.

I hate myself so much, I don't even know why.

Why can't I stop.?

Why can't I be fucking normal.?

Little Girl.

There once was a little girl who, unlike other little girls, never saw herself as such. She didn't see herself as something cute and pure. When she looked at herself, she saw something much worse. She saw a monster. It didn't scare her, however, she knew if other people saw her for what she really want, they would shun her. She hid herself away for years, to protect herself. She wore a mask everyday of her life. Acted like a normal little girl, to the best of her ability. She was so scared to be herself. What if her loved ones saw what she truly was.? Would they still love her.? How could they.? Who would love a monster.?

One day the little girl fell in love. She thought that this person would let her feel safe. So she could be herself. She thought that this person would love her for who she is. No more hiding. She could set herself free. She was foolish. Just as she thought would happen, he got scared, and left her. She cried for weeks on end, when would her pain stop.? She knew after that, she'd never be able to find love again. She tried and tried, but she was always to scared to open back up. They'll all hate her, leave her just as broken as the first one. Why couldn't she find happiness like all the other little girls.? Why can't she be normal.?

That little girl grew up into a very beautiful young woman. No matter how beautiful people told her she was, she knew better. What they found beautiful was her mask that she oh so needed in her life. All the people that say they care about her, they love her, it was all lies. Everything they liked about her was an act. Just so they wouldn't see. How could anyone love her.? A monster. She grew tired of all of this. So one day, she did something she told herself to never do. She took off her mask, and broke it into a million pieces.

Now the little girl sits and waits. It's time for her to see who really does care for her. They'll see, everyone of them. It's time to see the monster for who she really is. No one will stay.

No one loves you. No one loves you. No one loves you. No one loves you. No one loves you. No one loves you. No one loves you. No one loves you. No one loves you. No one loves you. No one loves you. No one loves you. No one loves you. No one loves you. No one loves you. No one loves you. No one loves you. No one loves you. No one loves you. No one loves you. No one loves me.

How could they..  

Random.

There's way to much going on in my head right now. It's getting very hard to think clearly anymore. Typing this I find my eyes starting to tear up. Something is wrong with me, and it's not even my depression anymore. I found something today that shocked me, well, by today, I mean about half an hour ago. As I was undressing in the bathroom, getting ready for a hot shower, something caught my eye. I noticed red bumps underneath my left breast. I don't want to panic over nothing, so I don't feel like it's anything. I get random bumps and zits, rashes and other gross things on my body. For someone with such a pretty face, I sure do have a disgusting frame.

What if this is something.. that bad. I'm to scared to even go near a doctor. I try to tell someone about it, but no one understands. I fear them, all of them. I've seen the worst side of what people in the medical field can do. They can get away with murder. So why would I trust them with my body.? I don't know. I've only just started to love myself again, my body included. I still don't feel right about others looking at me. That's why I don't dress flashy, or get 'dolled' up. Sometimes when my friend and I have 'relations', I fear that he will really look at me. I tell him I'm to scared to be on top, well, that's kinda right. I'm scared, because I don't want him to see all of me. Tying this I feel myself slipping back into that depressive state.

I feel like something is near me. I don't feel like it means me harm, but I feel it. All the time. A lot of the time its when I'm in the shower. That makes me sound crazy doesn't it.? What does it matter. It's nice feeling like there's someone there with me, even as I'm dealing with all these problems. It's making itself known. The other night, when I was at my friends place, he had this cup that was sitting on his desk. As I was sitting on him bed watching him play Street Fighter, my eye kept going to the cup. I didn't know why, there wasn't anything odd about it. Just a cup with some pens in it. Next thing I know, I'm looking at him, and something hits the floor. It was the cup. I know it freaked him out a little bit, even though he acted like it was nothing. It worried me slightly. But I know it shouldn't. 

Was it the same thing that's watching me that pushed the cup off.? Was it something else that only stays at that apartment.? I don't know, but it still doesn't scare me. Maybe it was more of a 'hey don't forget I'm still here' type of thing.

My eyes are getting heavy.

Sweet dreams.

10/14

Today is going to be one of those days.

I'm going to stay in my room all day.

Try not to bother anyone.

Maybe play some Xbox.

Try my best not to think about things that'll make me cry again.

But most of all.

I'll act like no one will miss me at all.

Shouldn't be that hard. 

Who, What, When, Where, How, and Why.?

Who;

The one person that I thought I'd always have in my life is the person that tried to end it. The one thing this person was meant to do, was to protect us. This person tries to act like he's never in the wrong, that everything is always someone else's fault. Whenever I hear his name, I feel sick. When it's his birthday.? I cry, and hide, even if you can't hurt me anymore, I still remember. I'll never forget. No matter how hard I try, I can't forgive you.

Who could do such a thing.? Who could look a little girl in the eye, call her a cunt, and beat her. He'd beat me for the littlest things; asking him for help with homework. Telling him I didn't want to be driving with him, because he was drunk. He'd beat me because I was scared of the dark. He was the reason why I was scared of the dark. He made all the monsters in my closet seem like angles.

Now he tries to make himself seem like a good person. He lies to people, and makes them think that he was wronged. Him.? Wronged.? After what you did to us.. all of us. Who could do such a thing.? You were the first man to leave me heartbroken. You took my childhood, and my joyful outlook on life. You left us.

Who could do such a thing.?

My father.


What;

Did you ever tell anyone what you did to us.? I have. I've learned that talking to people about it helps, a little bit. The sad part is, people think I'm crazy because of what you did. "How do you cope with it.? Did you ever talk to someone else about this when it happened".? People think I'm crazy because you fucked me up. You did this to me. You cheated on my mother, moved us from state to state, just to run from the fact that you had a son. You hid him from us. My own blood, a brother. He hates you too, so does my sister.

Not only did you cheat on my mother, and kept my brother us. But you also did something that any person should be looked down for. You put your hands on me. Hit me, kicked me, slapped me, called me dirty, filthy fucking names. You did these things, and it had me fucked up, for a long time. I remember one night, you found a dead mouse. You thought it would be funny if you tossed it on me. Pushed it in my face. Had me look at its lifeless body. You're a sick man for the things you've done.

Lastly, what kind of fucking man are you.? You tried to fucking kill us. Do you even care that you planned it out.? That we found the bullets with B, H, and a J on them.? You wanted to murder us. Take our lives away, maybe it was because you hated yourself. Who knows. I tell my sister to this day that she should of left you die that night. You taking all those pills. Did you really think you could just kill yourself, so you couldn't deal with this.? You're better off dead, however, it's nice to know that you'll have to live with this for the rest of your life. I've become a very dark minded person, must get it from you.


When;

When will I be able to get over this.? Some days I do really feel like I'm crazy because this still bothers me. Is that bad.? Shouldn't I be able to get over something like this within a few years. I've tried blocking it out. Caused me to have very bad twitches. They went away over time, all I had to do was not care anymore. I've become what you've always called me, a bitch. It helps some days. I just really want to know when I'll be able to deal with this like a normal person. This is when my depression started. If you didn't know that already. You Father, you're the reason why I cry myself to sleep some nights. Why I think I'm ugly, fat, stupid, why I don't think any man or woman could ever love me. When will I be able to love myself like I should.?


Where;

Where do you think you can hide from all of this.? With your nice new girlfriend.? Does she even know you're still married to my mother.? Does she know everything you've done.? Do you feel safe with her.? Safe from all the nightmares that you caused this family. Those nightmares are what I call my childhood memories. Sometimes I want to tell her, everything. Then what would you do.? You moved us from sate to sate, just so you could be safe from all the problems that you made. What would you do then, Father.? Where would you go, when all of your lies came to a head.? Where will you go, when no one wants you in their lives anymore.? You've made it clear that you don't want us in your lives, so you have no home here. Not with me.


How;

How can you live with yourself after doing all that you did to us.? Do you think about it at night, just like I do.? Do you cry when you think back to how you treated your little girls.? How can you keep up all of these lies to people.? Can you even go one day without lying.? How does your mind work.? Is it like mine.? A lot of people tell me that I'm just like you, and that pisses me off to no end. That makes me hate myself, makes me want to die. Do you know what keeps me from doing that, from offing myself.? I live every-single-day, just to show people, how much I'm not like you. How I can live my life, and keep going after what you did to me.


Why;

Why did you do any of this.? Why did you tell all those lies.? Why don't you care about us.? Why do you tell people that my Mother is a bad person.? Why do you tell people that nothings your fault.? Why can't you see that you're the cause for all of my pain.? Why did you do this to me Daddy, why.?



Some days I wonder what you tell people about us. If you show people photos. Tell them what we're like. I wonder if you tell them you have a good relationship with us. Some days I want to tell you how I feel, but then again, I don't think you'd care much to hear any of it. After all, I'm just a silly little girl. Who can't do anything right. That needs to sit still, keep her mouth shut, and do as shes told. Why on earth would you bother telling people about me.? I'm an emotional wreck, and you know nothing about me. You don't even bother to get to know me, or the rest of your kids.

What you have done is made me a stronger person. I just wish you cared a little bit. But you weren't here. You never helped when my first boyfriend left me, helped me deal with a brake-up. Wasn't there for my prom. When I finished High School. Didn't have my first drink with me. Helped me with any of my problems. With the rape, the drug problem. Maybe I wouldn't be such a depressed, hateful, and cold person.. if you just cared a little bit.

10/1

I'm so sick of people flaking on me. Every person that wants to hang out, or chill, is fucking dipping out on me. To tell you the truth, I'm getting very pissed off. I mean come on, is it that fucking hard to just come over. After YOU'RE the one that wanted to see me.? I mean, if something came up, that's cool. I understand. However, let me fucking know. Just don't not respond to my text, and not let me know what's going on.

Fuck this noise.

I don't have time for this bull shit in my life anymore.

Goodnight.

Pretty Snow.

I had my taste of the unforgiving snow again.


It was sweet, just as I remembered.


It's not a feeling I'd want other people to feel.


When you crash.. you crash.


And I.?


I get very upset..


I don't have anymore,


And I want more.


But I know I shouldn't.


Why do I do this to myself.?


Why did I let myself fall back into that place again.?


Why..

7/29

I'm sorry I wasn't able to help you get better. But right now, being away from everything is the best thing for you. I've been worried about you going down this dark path for the last two years. I hope that your family is going to be able to get you the help that you need. You're a wonderful person, and I love you to death. Best friends shouldn't have to deal with stuff like this. However, I will always be here, waiting for you to get better.


I hope you're okay right now. I have no idea whats going on because your family won't tell me anything. I'm hoping that you'll call, and everything will be clear for me. I have no idea what's going on. I don't know where you are, what their doing to you. I'm so worried. I couldn't stop crying at work.


You're mother pissed me off.

  - That's nothing new.



I can't wait to hear from you.


I need to know you're okay.


I love you.

7/15

I like some things that people view as bad.


I like doing these things.


I don't understand why you think I'll stop, because you want me to.


It's clear you have no idea who I am.


You can leave my life at any time--


But that's right, you won't.


So, let me do it for you.


Not all drugs are bad.


Not all whores are gross.


Not all adults know whats best.


You sure as hell have no idea how to handle your own life.


So why the fuck do you think you can control mine?


I'm a fully functional working adult.


Don't worry about my life.


I've got that covered.


I don't have a problem.


I don't do these things everyday.


I don't need them in my life.


They don't control me.


I control me. 


Try being a friend.

Who am I.?

My name is Britanie Lee Williams. I am a beautiful twenty-one year old female that has a lot of emotional problems. Most of the time I have no idea why I have these problems. There are so many other people in the world that have worse going on in their lives, and yet here I am. Crying and bitching about things that are happening to me. Poor little Britanie, can't even help herself. Well, so what.? I don't have to be strong all the time. I've tried talking to someone I shouldn't of. I just.. needed to say I was sorry, for everything that happened. I didn't mean for things to end how they did. I don't feel bad for ending the relationship. I wasn't happy, and hell, you even told me you we're bored. I only talked to you because.. I feel like I'm having an emotional brake down. I feel like I'm losing it. I'm not happy, but you know what.? It's okay to be sad.


It's okay to cry, but you need to understand why you're sad.



So let's think about it. Why am I sad.? I'm a very lonely person for starters. I have about three.. or around five good friends that I can really count on to be there for me when I'm upset. Maybe just make that three. Sometimes I don't know if the rest even care. I have a problem when it comes down to trusting people. I miss being in a relationship. I don't want to rush into anything, but I miss being held at night. I miss having a person that I can really be myself around. I miss having someone love me.. and care for me.. and just be there for me, no matter what. 


I lost someone who I thought wouldn't ever go behind my back. I should of listened to everyone else. I blocked them out, hoping that you wouldn't do something like that. But you did.. why didn't you just tell him no. I don't need to go into that. Thinking about it just makes me depressed even more. Anyways, anything thing, I'm sad because everyone that I think I can trust, do something to end that very fast. Other then my main three (or five) people, I don't trust a damn soul. I'm to fucked up for that. Maybe that's why I'm not with anyone, who knows.



I have a lot of hate for people that have wronged me. I need to learn how to let it go. That's why I like to drink, I forget things. That's why I've tried.. other things. They scared me.. but they made me feel good. So its okay. If I didn't have her in my life, I'm pretty sure I'd end up killing myself. She keeps me happy, and seeing her as happy as she is now, gives me hope. She's an amazing person, and a wonderful friend. I want to grow old with her, I want our children to be friends. To be just as close as we are to each other. She's my best friends, I love her so much.



She's shown me that I'm a beautiful woman, and things will get better.



My name is Britanie Lee Williams, and I am an amazing woman.

5/27

All I really want is for every person that I care about, to care for each other. All of you do is put each other down over stupid bull shit. Yes, some of my friend do drugs, but I still love them. Doing stupid shit doesn't make you a bad person. How dare you even think that. You don't know them, all you see is the bad. Why can't you see that? She doesn't make me do anything that I don't want to. I'm not some little girl that needs to be looked after. I know what I want to do in my life. But when you turn around and make the comment that you did, 'well fuck it', how the fuck do you think that makes me feel? You tell me that you feel like people are using me, calling the shots, or pulling the strings. But I'll let you in on something. I'm not a fucking puppet. I'm not a rag doll. I'm not a Barbie. I'm not a doll baby. I am an adult, I make the calls in my life. No one else will ever use me, I'm doing being used.


Another thing.


Why is it that I can ever seem to be fucking happy for myself. Is this a thing now or something? I just wanted a good fucking birthday. I fucking gave you fair warning that this shit was going to be there. But you get pissed at me because I told you I wanted to fucking do it. HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU CALL YOURSELF MY FRIEND IF YOU-- You know what, never mind. It doesn't matter. You wont read this. You stopped reading them. Because you don't fucking care. Last time you looked at my blog you said I was fucking crazy.


I told you, you had two options.

I won't be hung up on you, and just a friend at the same time.


From what you've showen me, I'm nothing to you.

That's fine.

Bye.

Hmm.

Not sure if these feelings are good or not.

Hmm.

Well, I'm going to find out.

So...

I really can't wait for my birthday.

I'll be able to fully looked at as an adult.

No longer will people call me a baby.

Plus I get to see my best friend.

I can't wait.

I'm so happy.

4/29

I think I've gotten over you.

No longer am I sad when I don't hear from you.

It's gotten to the point now where nothing seems to bother me.

It's all for the better.

Next year I'll be moving, I'm hoping everything goes well.

I only have to wait thirty-two more days.

Normally I don't care for my birthday that much.

But my best friend is going to be here.

I'm so happy. 

Doll Dream.

I had a dream that I was a doll. I didn't start off at a doll however. I was asleep in bed, and out of no where, someone grabbed me, and pushed me outside. As soon as we got outside I felt one of the men who had taken me, hit me over the head with something blunt. I'm not sure if it was a gun or what. After 'waking' up, I saw that I was in some kind of medical room. What was odd about the room was that there we're like demonic symbols. Not sure if it was really demonic, but it felt evil. There were three men in the room with me. Two of the men we're next to me (as I was in a medical bed), and the third one was wearing a lab jacket.


All of their faces were darkened, and I could only really here laughing. They we're talking about some kind of medical brake threw that they we're about to show to the public. It was able to keep someone young forever, and they might even be able to keep that person from dying (if well taken care of). Needless to say, they cut me open, and started taking things out that they said I "didn't need". Mind you, the only things that we're left, were my heart, my eyes, and my brain. As this was going on, it looked as if the room we we're in started glowing this gross green color. I'm guessing it had something to do with the 'demonic' symbols that I talked about before. I'm pretty sure that's why I didn't die as they took out my organs. 


The last thing that I can remember is waking up and looking at myself in the mirror. My body was made out of wood, I had a new body, face, and hair. I was able to speak, but all I was able to do was cry. They made me into a beautiful monster, and it made me sick. The human emotions that I had told me to end it, so I wouldn't have to deal with what those men did to me. So I tried to kill myself. It didn't work. They kept me under their watch, so i was never able to harm myself. They would dress me up, and show me off around the world. Like I was some kind of new trend. So I did what they wanted, and acted as such. I was their doll, and I did whatever they needed me to do.


When I tried to kill myself, I used fire. FIRE didn't burn a WOODEN doll. Whatever they did to me, kept me that way forever. They painted a smile on my face, and my eyes couldn't even cry. No one knew what kind of pain I was in.

4/20

10:15 a.m.


It's getting to a point where I'm becoming numb again. Not being I'm not in a relationship, not because of my depression, but because I just feel so lost. I don't know what I should be doing. All my thoughts are just jumbled in my head. Some times I feel like crying helps, but then the numbness comes back. I don't have any need to be crying, but it's an emotion. It makes me feel somethings. I'm growing to the point where I just don't care anymore. That's not a good thing. I always have something going for me, something pushing me. But.. I just don't seem to have that anything.


I just don't know anymore.


Sometimes I feel like a lot of these people I call friends just want to use me for shit. A lot of them tell me that others are. But I feel like everyone is now, in one way or anther. Most of them only talk to me when its good for them. Whenever I need you, where are you? Out doing something, to busy to talk. Do you guys care? I just don't see it. This is why I'm leaving, this is why I'm going to just leave everything and go somewhere else. What's the point in staying when I don't have anything keeping me here. 

L. S.

It hurts to talk to you.

I don't want to slip up and say something stupid.

You're beautiful, and the world should be given to you on a golden platter.

I hope she makes you happy.

I hope she keeps a smile on your beautiful face.

You're a queen, and should be treated as such.

My Eyes.

   It takes a lot of people to understand me. It's not like I'm trying to hide anything, but I have this problem where I'm scared to open up to people. I fear that everyone will dislike me, think I'm weird, etc. I also tend to hide my feelings a lot. Not because I don't want to open up, because trust me, I do. But because if I get to emotional on people, they might freak out. You see, I'm a very emotional people. When I'm happy, it'll seem like I have beams on light coming from me. When I'm sad, I'll cry, a lot. I try not to cry, but that's because I'm a rock for a lot of people. I have no time to be upset. If you ever ask, I'll always tell you that I'm fine. There will always be one way to tell how I'm feeling. That my friends, would be my eyes.

   You will always be able to tell how I'm feeling just by looking me in the eye. So please, just don't ask anymore. People who know me could tell you that I have very amazing eyes. I don't like to think their so awesome, to me, their creepy. My eyes change color, and I hate it. Each color has its own type of meaning/emotion to go with it.

   Blue: Happy.

   Green: Sad.

   Grey: Mix Emotions/Unsure.

   Brown: Unknown. (This has only happened one time, for the life of me, I can't remember what or how I was feeling when my eyes turned brown.)

Random thoughts.

You make me rethink things,

I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not.



Maybe one day I'll be able to drop this bad bitch act.

I don't act like this when I'm by myself.

I'm a very sweet person.

I can't help it that I have a bad temper.

I'm happy that some of you guys can see that.



I feel sick.

I want to stay home.

I have work.

I just want sleep.

Fact.

I don't need anyone to make me feel beautiful.

3/13

  1:11

I'll be the bad guy if I must.

It's stopped hurting a long time ago.

3/12

  2:11 a.m.

I feel like I'm bugging everyone again.

I don't want to tell them that.

Would they care?

Most likely not.

I miss you,

But I don't dare bring you back into my life.

You're like poison to me.

And you,

Why did I let you go?

What the fuck was I thinking?

You,

You're perfection.

I hope she makes you happy.

I hope she gives you something I couldn't.

But I know you don't care.


I've been craving coke again, and it's really killing me that I can't get my hands on it. I've been trying everything I can to keep myself from thinking about it. But it's hard, very hard. I dream about it, and I get so pissed off that I don't have it. But I don't want it at the same time. I know what you all think of me because I've done that shit. I hate myself for it.

But that doesn't mean anything, seeing as I hate myself for a lot more then just some stupid fucking drug.

Crack Cocaine kids.

It's no fucking joke, don't fucking do it.

I make myself sick.

Goodnight.

I mean Goodmorning.

Whatever. 

You.

Fuck you.

You,

Bitch,

Cunt,

Twat,

Whore,

Liar.

Dear Soul Mate.

Hey there, I hope one day I'll be able to meet you. I don't know who you are, or where you live, but I'm sure one day I'll be able to see you. Maybe I'll see you walking down the street, or maybe at the store. Maybe I've already met you, and you were to scared to say anything to me. Or maybe, I was to scared to talk to you. There are some things you should know about me, being my soul mate and all. So I hope you'll understand these, and maybe, just maybe, you could learn how to love me.

I'm a very hard person to love, and I never seem to understand why. I try my best to do everything I can to make people happy. But maybe that's the problem. It could be that I'm a try hard, and I want everyone to like me. How would you feel about that? Do you think you could love someone like that? Maybe I'm to loving, maybe I shouldn't care so much. But hey, if it was like that, it wouldn't really be me now would it.?

There will be times when I just want to cuddle and fall asleep with you. Then there will be some nights where I'm a pure vixen. However, there are some nights, when I don't like to be touched. I'll shake, shiver, and cry. From some dark things in my past, I hope you'll understand how I feel. I will do my best to keep you not only happy in our romantic relationship, but in out sexual relationship as well. I can be whatever it is that you want me to be. As long as you're with me, and only me.

I love children, and I'd love to have some. I'm not sure how you feel about them, but I've always wanted to be a mother. To take care of someone, to take care of the children that comes from our love. I want to show them from right and wrong, and I want them to grow in an environment where they shouldn't be scared or worry about who they grow up to love. I want to show them that it doesn't matter, as long as their happy.

I cry a lot, and sometimes I don't even remember why I start to cry. Sometimes it just has to happen. I hold a lot of stuff in, and I know that's not healthy. I don't like to worry people how whats wrong with me. Sometimes I feel like no one should care, and some nights I stay awake wondering why no one does. Would you? Would you ask me what was wrong? Would you worry over me? Would you hold me in your arms and never let go. Could you handle me?

I can't wait to find out. 

3/4

I don't know if its really depression that's the problem anymore. I always seem to miss out in one way or another. But I just don't know anymore. Is it really worth getting upset over anymore? Shouldn't I just be happy? Why can't I just stay that way, happy. I can't fake it anymore, it's truly starting to seep in. So now, my mask is coming off. I will no longer put on a smile when I'm not happy, I should talk to people more, let them in on my life. Even if they don't care all the time, it's nice to even have some people who care about me half of the time. My life is nothing to cry about.

I don't want to drink.. not by myself.

I don't want to get that low.

I wish you were here. You seemed to put a smile on my face again. I thank you for that. I thank you for being there for me, holding me, and listening. Even if I'll never have you, I'm happy to keep you as a friend.

Maybe one drink wouldn't hurt..

Update.

I don't know what it is that made me not hate you for so long. You hurt me for months, and I never said a word. The man I loved is gone, because you put it in my head that he was no good. So what that I found out later that he raped someone? Giving up on him was something I should of done by myself, without you involved. You have no idea what kind of hold you had on me. If you said jump, I would of asked how high. I feel like you used me in a way. Did you really care that much about me? To turn around and tell people that I tried to sexually get to you? Touch you? Yeah right. I went months without sex and you slept with every guy that came along.

I've unpacked everything, fully moved back in with my family. I've been living with them for some time now, but I was scared to fully move back in. Was it because she had such a tight grip on me. Telling me that it wouldn't be long till we had our own place. Or maybe it was because it was our room. I have to many memories in this room because of him, and it makes me sick. But now, I'm taking my space back, this is my home.

As for now, dinner, some drinks, and video games.

Sometimes.

As I've said before. Sometimes I wish I was dead. It's gone far past the point of just wanting to see if people would even miss me. I feel as if it would be better off without me. I don't have the balls to kill myself. I'm weak, I'm not strong. I fear death, the never ending darkness. I pray there is a god. I pray that he hears me, and that he gives me the strength to move forward. I make myself sick, looking at myself hurts, thinking about how I let people treat me feels like a fire burning my insides.

I put on a fake smile day after day, and no one, NO ONE, fucking sees it. I must be a very good actress. I feel like I'm leading myself on sometimes. Thinking that something good could happen to me. Thinking that maybe, just maybe, I could be happy. But no, everything good that happens, get ripped away from me. I hate it. I don't like dealing with this everyday. I work my ass off, and all I want to do is sleep. Forever. I don't want to wake up, but I know that's not apart of the plan. God doesn't want me yet, if he did, I'd be dead by now. There's still things that I have to do before I'm able to get my rest.

Sometimes I dream that I'm an angel. I have huge beautiful white wings, and all I do it take care of everyone. Other then the wings, that's what I've always done. Maybe that's telling me something. Maybe that's my goal in life, is just making sure everyone else is happy. I know an angel, but she doesn't know that she's one. She always seems to put herself down, even though I know she's perfection. I'd never be able to make her happy. I've come to terms with it. She could do so much better, and I wont hold her back from everything she could do with her life.

She keeps getting her heart broken, and I don't know how much longer I can just sit here and watch. There's nothing I can do for her, because she doesn't seem to want my help. I love her so much. I'm sorry you feel so badly about yourself, and I'm sorry that I can't help you. You're a beautiful young woman, I don't know why you keep me in you're life, when I can't do anything for you. I know I've kept you from doing some very stupid shit before. But now? What am I doing for you now? Do I even make you smile anymore? Laugh?

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm sorry for acting childish before. I thought that maybe I had a shot, but know I understand that it wouldn't of helped you. I've wanted for years for you to be mine, I'm still waiting. But.. I don't know if I should or not.

Random thoughts.

I know this is going to sound stupid, but maybe I should start whoring myself around. Whores seem to get whatever the hell it is that they want. They seem a whole lot more happy then I am.

But maybe that's just on the outside.

Who really knows?

I just want to be happy.

I don't see it being with anyone of them.

Maybe I should give up.

I don't know anymore.

Ya.

I feel like I'm becoming more sexual as the weeks go by. I'm not sure what my problem is. I don't want to go out and have sex with random people, but there isn't anyone here that I'd want to be sexual with at this point. I don't want to say its because 'I miss the passion' part of it, because that would be a lie. I want to be pleased, to be played with, fucked. I miss being held down, and being told what to do. I miss another body's warmth next to mine. The calm after the storm.

I don't want anything sexual till I'm with a person. I want what we do to mean something. I don't want it to be a fucking, just because. I want it to be me and them, sharing something wonderful, and making beautiful love.

I miss being loved and cared for.

But I was told something that clung to me.

No matter how hard it may seem, I must do my best.

Trust, no one.

But with my feelings, my heart, or my body.

You know what?

Fuck you, and your head games.

Fuckallofit.

Why would anything I've said mean anything to you?

I should of known better then to fall for this shit.

It would of been to good to be true.

I'm done with all this bull shit.

I just want to be by myself forever.

So I won't get hurt, so I won't disappoint myself.

I don't drift away, I get left behind. 

My Feelings 1.

I can't stand it.

I still cry every night.

Why can't I be happy?

Why can't I stop?

My chest hurts.

Everything just seems pointless now.

None of you fucking care.

None of you.

You don't listen.

You don't care how I feel.

What if i did just went missing?

Would any of you really give a shit?

No.

Life would go on.

No one would cry.

No one would miss me.

There's no point anymore.

Who am I?

No one.

I'm nothing.

So fuck it.

I hate myself.

I know that a lot of people seem to say something like this in their life time. But here it is, at 12:54 a.m. on the 23rd of January, it came to me. I am indeed a hopeless human being. I could be doing so much more with my life. But here I lay, doing nothing. Sometimes I feel like my life is frozen, going no where at all. Then there's some days when I feel like I'm running out of time. I wish I was more like my mother. I wish I was as strong as she is. I used to want to kill myself, but then something dawned on me. There would be no point, that act would mark me greedy. How could I take my own life, when its not mine to take. I will die when its my rightful time to do so.

I wouldn't want my mother to have to bury her child. I couldn't let myself do that to her. Death will come for all of us one day, until then, I shall live. If I could even call what I'm doing 'living'. I'm going nothing with my life, and I can see that. I know everyone tells me to go to school, make something of myself. School just isn't my thing, it never was. Working makes me feel like I might be helping in someway. Yes, I woke in a 'store', and I know that may not seem like much to anyone. But you know what's funny about that? Someone has to do it. I like my job, very much. I feel like I'm helping people in a way. It sounds silly, but working is what makes me feel alive.

I know what my problem is. Why I couldn't seem to keep anyone happy in any relationship I was in. Why I couldn't stay with Dakota, why I can't be happy with anyone else. I can't even really love myself anymore because of it. I still love him. My first love, Shane. I don't know why I still do, but I do. No matter how much I tried to let him go, I couldn't. He's moved on, he's happily married. He has an amazing wife, and a beautiful baby boy. I wish them all the best. But, there are sometimes when I just wonder. What would of happened if he never left me? Would I be happy? Married to him? Bore his children? Would I of had my Happily Ever After as every small girl dreams for? Maybe I would of, instead of turning out to be this monstrosity of a train wreck.

Maybe he thinks of me too. I shouldn't be so foolish, he has no uses for me in his thoughts. Sometimes I wish I was able to tell him how I felt, just so he knew. So maybe he could understand what he's done to me. I hope she takes care of him, and makes sure he has everything he wants. I hope that she's able to keep him happy, the one thing I wasn't able to make him do. Maybe one day I'd be able to talk to him again. Maybe even see him. No. That would kill me. He probably wouldn't even recognize me. He would look past me, wouldn't even see me at all. But that's okay. Because all I ever wanted, was for him to be happy. As long as he's happy, that's all that matters to me.


I not sure what else to say right now. I'm making this public for everyone to see. Not for pity, and not for anyone's comments. This is something I needed to let out. Sometimes I think I'm crazy for thinking these things. Maybe I'm right.

As for now, it is now 1:22 a.m. It might be time for me to get some sleep.  

The Life of Willow Baylor. Chapter 1. Part 1.

   Have you ever fell so far from where you wanted to be? Maybe sometimes you feel like you're sinking to the bottom of the ocean, but no matter how hard you try, you can't swim back up. I feel like that from time to time. It's not something that I'd normally like to share with anyone. I don't mind sharing it with you, seeing as this will be the last story I'll ever write. Let's just hope I can make it a good one. I should just start from the beginning. It's best to keep things simple. My name is Willow Lea Baylor, and this is my life.

   I was born on the 11th of May, 1993. I have no sisters, or brothers. Some would call it a lonely life, but being by myself isn't all that bad. I live with my father, Roy. It's just been the two of us for as long as I can remember. My mother died giving birth to me, so I never really got to know her. Everyone that knew her says I look just like her. I have her brown hair and green eyes. My father says mine are a little lighter then hers, but when he looks me in the eye, he feels like hes staring right at my mother. Her name was June, my father always says she was as beautiful as the Spring itself. He never really got over her death, and someday's I hear him crying saying it was my fault. He never knew I heard him say these things, mainly because he would start to cry late at night after a few drinks. I have a slight sleeping problem, nothing that I'd go to a doctor for. I've learned to deal with it.

   I work in a small flower shop right outside of town. I get paid to make sure all of the flowers look beautiful before we send them out. It's not a hard job, it's fun in its own way. I was working there for almost six weeks, and that's when I met her. She looked like pure perfection, if you'd ever see a Goddess with human skin, you'd be looking at her. Her name was Pax, and she was a knock out. She had the type of body that anyone would kill for. She had long blonde hair, crystal blue eyes, and a hour-glass body. I didn't know what to stare at first. I only then realized what I was doing when she smiled at me. Oh, and her smile only added to the list of things I loved about her. So warming, yet something about it made me feel.. odd. I'd never had feelings for a female before. She took my breath away, and stole my heart.

   If I recall correctly, she was in the shop to buy Sun Flowers seeds. I didn't want to scare her by asking a ton of questions, but she said something about wanting to grow her own garden. To tell you the truth, I wasn't really listening to her. I just stood there, smiling, wishing that I had the guts to ask for her number. She must of knew what I was thinking. As I was handing her seeds to her, she asked me to 'hang out' sometime. I was so happy, all I could do was smile and nod my head. Later that night I sent her a text, just to see if she even gave me that right number. In reply to my text I got a photo of her sitting in bed, with just a tightly fitted tank top on with a caption. 'What took you so long cutie'. I feel in love that night. 

Hm.

I think.. I'm going to start writing again.

Now.. what to write about?

Dear Daddy.

How are you able to sleep at night Robert? After everything you've done to my family. You cheated my mother out of a happy life, your children out of a childhood. You've emotional scared your son and daughters for life. My sister can't even leave the house without going into a panic attack because of you. Do you even fucking care? I can answer my own question, there's no need. I have no pity for you, you sorry son of a bitch. I don't know why I could ever think I could forgive you. I hate you, so, fucking, much.

My brother didn't ask for you to be his father, you know that? He didn't ask for any of this. I love him just as much as I love Hollie. You may not be there for him, but I'll try my very fucking best to be there for him. You fucked up, and cheated on my mother, and for what? Faith doesn't want your sorry ass. I don't even understand how you're still married to my mother. Oh, and this new bitch, does she have any idea what you've done? I bet she doesn't. You fucking pig.

I wonder what she would think of you if she found out you tried to kill your family. Would she still love you? Is this some kind of fucked up Beauty and the Beast thing? This poor woman is 'in love' with a nut case.

How could you.

How could take away someones childhood? I just don't understand.

How can you fucking live with yourself, knowing you were going to shoot your wife and daughters in the head as they slept.

Some nights I stay awake in my bed, thinking some pretty dark shit. Like, what would of happened if you did do it? Would you still be able to live with yourself? I don't understand. You planned and was in the process of killing your family, but you can go on and live a happy life. When I fight every day of my life, just to get out of bed.

Would it even hurt?

If you did it?

I was asleep wasn't I?

Tell me, how did it feel, knowing that you were about to shoot your little girl to death as she slept soundly in her bed.

Why did we have to come from you?

Why did you have to be my father?

I fucking hate you.

I wish you were dead.

Everyone always says that I shouldn't say things like that. But you know what? I don't give a fuck anymore.

Maybe if you were dead we could get something out of you.

Seeing as you never did anything for us.

You can't even remember my fucking birthday.

What does that say about you, huh?

Not much.

I hate you. For everything you've done. For all the lies you told. Most of all, I hate you for the fact of, you don't think you've done anything wrong.


So listen for a second.

Fuck off, and die.


Your daughter,

Britanie Lee Williams.

So.. Ya.

Its been weeks, and I still find myself scared of what I read.

I never really thought much of my tarot readings,

But when I'm able to scare myself with things that happen,

I get worried.

I saw the ending of my engagement,

The fall of a close friends relationship,

I was even told of my grandfathers death.

A lot of people saw that tarot readings are fake,

But their not.



So, I want a baby.

Very badly.

I kind of feel like just going out and getting pregnant.

I feel like I would make a wonderful mother.

But then I feel like the baby would grow up and hate me.

I don't know.


Rosalie is coming.

I'm so fucking happy.

Thoughts.

I was very drunk last night.

I could of done something very bad.

But I didn't.

For you.

I have a problem.

It takes a lot to even be able to say it.

But I'll fight it.

For the both of us.


This year I'll be twenty-one years of age. There's so much stuff that I haven't done yet in my life. I kind of feel like my life is passing me before my eyes. I can't do anything to stop it.

I want to become a mother within the next five years.

I won't be able to do it at this rate.

I need someone to love, to care for.

As for now, I'll lay here in bed.

Thinking about how I'll start this new year.

Time to.. reinvent myself.